How to use The Empathy Set!
Congratulations on your investment in a tool that facilitates empathy and builds your emotional intelligence!
When it comes to using the cards, creativity is your friend.
First things first. Shuffle the cards. Explore them. Notice how they feel.
Four Ways to Use your Cards
1) Self-Reflection: On Your Own
You can use the cards to discover what you are feeling and needing about a challenging situation, event or relationship.
Start with your feelings.
Take a moment to reflect and get in touch with what is really going on for you.
Spread all the feeling cards in front of you and then choose the cards that resonate for you.
It's a good idea to see if you can get to your 7 most important feelings.
And then see if you can identify your top 3.
Another way, is to look at the cards one by one, putting your most important to the side.
Then go for your top 7 and top 3.
Acknowledging our feelings is an important way we move on from the pain of the past.
After you have identified your feelings, do the same with the needs cards.
See if you can identify your top 3 to 7 needs for the future.
2) Awareness of Others: On Your Own
You can use the cards to sense what the other person in the challenging situation, event or relationship is feeling and needing.
Follow the procedure as above.
First identify all the feelings that you think apply to the other person.
Second, identify their needs.
Remember, we are trying to intuit what the other person is feeling, but not to tell someone what they are feeling. This will give you clues and may even help the person get in touch with what they are really feeling.
When we acknowledge another person’s feelings and needs we give them empathy.
3) Empathic Problem-Solving Conversation: Together
You can use the cards to structure a challenging conversation to find mutually acceptable solutions.
Either on your own or together, identify your top 3 feelings and needs.
Then take turns sharing what you are feeling and needing.
When you have each had a turn, and feel understood even if not agreed with, use The Problem Solving Two Step to brainstorm solutions that meet both of your needs:
4) Group Empathy: Together
When your family, work team or any social group you belong to is experiencing something challenging, it helps to give one another empathy.
This is especially helpful when there is some mild tension than needs clearing.
It works best in smaller groups, say 3-12.
Each member takes a turn to share for 2-3 minutes how they have been impacted.
The person speaking has no cards.
Divide the feelings cards among the remaining group members.
When the person is speaking the others are listening for feelings that match with the cards in their hand.
Then, they reveal the cards that they believe are a match to the speaker’s feelings.
They may say a word or two as they put each card down: "You seemed excited when you joined the team" and "surprised that there was conflict".
After all group members have placed their feeling cards, the speaker reviews all the cards and selects the top 3 to 7 feeling cards that resonate with how they are feeling.
Then, repeat the same process with the needs cards.
So, at the end of each person’s sharing, they should have identified their top 3 to 7 feelings and needs.
After the first speaker, take turns to share following the same process.
At the end, check in to discover that everyone has felt understood and heard.
A General Reminder
We are all responsible for our own feelings. When we share our experience be careful not to judge others. Use I statements to talk about your experience rather than blaming others.
For example, instead of saying, “you’re always interrupting and that’s rude” try instead,
“I notice that when you talk before I have finished that it stimulates my frustration because I forget what I want to say and eventually give up. Please let me finish first!”