“Jim, what are you feeling?” said the marriage counselor.
“I feel like my wife doesn’t get it,” replied our co-founder Jim Dethmer, then in his mid-20s.
A wry smile crossed the counselor’s face. He turned around, pulled a book from the shelf, and opened it to a page that listed various emotions.
“Jim,” he said, handing the book over, “From now on, whenever I ask you how you’re feeling, I’d like you to look at this page, find a feeling that matches your internal experience, and then say, ‘I feel that.’”
Sad. Anxious. Happy. Scared. Delighted. Peaceful.
This is emotional literacy: The ability to say “I feel,” followed by a feeling statement.
It sounds basic, but it’s something many of the leaders we coach never learned. Jim hadn’t.
When we first start working with leaders on this, they may only be able to distinguish “I feel good” and “I feel bad.”
The more literate they become, the more they can make accurate distinctions about their emotions and feelings.
From there, leaders can practice emotional intelligence, tap into the wisdom of their emotions, and make better decisions all around.
Why Your Feelings Matter in Leadership
While “leaving your feelings at the door” is common in workplaces, ignoring or suppressing feelings can have significant costs for leaders. Here are 7 ways not fully feeling your feelings can impact your leadership:
Reduced Resilience: Leaders may find themselves less able to respond adaptively in challenging situations, as unprocessed emotions can cloud judgment and decision-making.
Impaired Decision-Making: Emotional information is crucial for decision-making. Leaders who disconnect from their feelings may make choices that are misaligned with their values and the needs of their organization.
Decreased Team Morale and Trust: Emotional transparency is crucial in building trust and intimacy within a team. Leaders who do not express their true feelings may struggle to form deep relationships with their team members, which are essential for creating a cohesive and supportive work environment.
Stunted Personal and Professional Growth: Leaders who avoid certain emotions are likely to miss important insights and opportunities for development.
Increased Stress and Burnout: Suppressing emotions can lead to chronic stress and eventually burnout, as the energy required to manage unexpressed emotions is taxing and unsustainable.
Loss of Authenticity: When leaders do not fully feel their emotions, they miss out on the opportunity to be authentic. This can create a disconnect between their inner experiences and outward actions, leading to less genuine interactions with their teams and colleagues.
Compromised Integrity: Fully feeling your feelings is one of the four pillars of integrity, necessary for full aliveness and energetic wholeness. Unfelt emotions can kink your energy flow, and create a sense of drag that keeps you from your full potential.
Developing Your Emotional Intelligence
Understanding and working with your emotions is a powerful skill that can radically transform your leadership. It’s one of the fundamentals we teach all the leaders we coach. A good place to start is by reading (or revisiting) the most popular article we’ve ever written: The Cognitive Emotive Loop: What it is, Why it Keeps you Stuck, and How to Break Free.
Jim Dethmer, Diana Chapman, Erica Schreiber, from The Conscious Leadership Group,
The Conscious Leadership Group (CLG) is a consultancy founded by Jim Dethmer and Diana Chapman. We bring a radical new leadership conversation to the organizational world through coaching, consulting, forums, events, keynotes, and online resources.