Awakening Each Other Through Love

By John Kinyon,

I have been reflecting deeply and painfully on the violence and polarization we are experiencing in the world. How it seems to be increasing on all levels, from the macro to the micro of our lives.

The scale of suffering we witness on our screens feels incomprehensible and utterly heartbreaking. Yet this violence is not new or uncommon — it is ubiquitous throughout human history; and with current technologies now at our fingertips we experience it in such intimate and vivid ways.

GETTING TO THE HEART OF VIOLENCE

At the core of violence, I see the power-over paradigm of domination systems creating roles of oppressor and oppressed (and there is often disagreement about who is in which role). I see this system fostering the experience of injustice, inequality, and cycles of violent actions and reactions. I see this in how we relate to other animals and to the natural world. And I see that all of us can at times find ourselves in the role of oppressor, as well as oppressed — even in how we relate to ourselves! 

This power-over system is part of our human story, like a software operating system that runs in human beings. When this system is activated, it shuts off empathic connection, care, and cooperation. We then can dehumanize and do terrible things to each other. We are seeing so visibly the price that everyone pays when needs are met at the expense of others.

A MORE WONDERFUL WAY

There is a much more wonderful game for us humans to play. It is the game of using our power to care equally for the needs and wellbeing of others as we do for ourselves, even when it is most difficult to do. This may even sound idealistic or impossible. But it may be our way out of the growing hell in which we find ourselves. 

So, how do we do this? How do we update our human operating system?

• I start by empathically feeling the depths of my own pain as I witness the suffering of power-over, and connect to the need to be safe and loved.

• Then, expanding my empathy, can I feel the human being who is just like me, and is caught up in that system?

• From this place, can I act to support the caring for everyone's needs and wellbeing?

In this way we can awaken each other through love. Deep in our hearts we know what brings peace, joy, and working together for life to flourish.

John Kinyon has devoted his life and career to furthering human connection and cooperation around the world through empathic communication. John is co-creator of the Mediate Your Life (MYL) training program and company, based in the work of Nonviolent Communication/NVC (cnvc.org). 

Experience the Healing Hurt & Divides in the Mediate Your Life App. This will support the exploration of unresolved emotional pain, being with the "actor" and "receiver" of pain, creating a space of healing and connection. To do so, download my free Mediate Your Life App, tap "Map Room," and tap the icon "Healing Hurt & Divides."

Good Company: Moe's Books

So chuffed that Doris and Johnny are selling my Dictionary of Feelings and Needs in their famous Berkely bookstore.

Thanks Doris and Johnny!

Moe’s Books

Nonviolent Communication and Boundaries

An extract with appreciation from the NVC Monthly Newsletter, January 2024

One of the biggest misconceptions about NVC is that you are supposed to be nice or even permissive! Some people misinterpret NVC as being about not having boundaries!
This is a misconception both about NVC as well as about boundaries!

Boundaries can be an act of self-care as well as an act of care for the relationship or for something else. Boundaries can create clarity and safety.

NVC is not about being nice — especially if nice is not authentic. (In some NVC circles people differentiate between a form of “nice” that is inauthentic as contrasted with genuine kindness.)

So rather than focusing on being nice, NVC is actually about being real!

And being real can include setting very clear boundaries — firmly and with care — as an act of service to ourselves, others, and/or the world.

NVC techniques for setting boundaries

Below are some of the various ways NVC gives you for setting a healthy boundary.

Needs and Strategies
The first, is a language of needs. Once we understand what needs we’re trying to meet, setting a boundary becomes a strategy in service of those needs.

It’s much easier to know what kind of boundary to set if we understand what needs it is intended to serve.

Requests rather than Demands
In NVC we express requests rather than demands. So I make a clear, unequivocal request about the boundary I would like to have.

What if the other person says no?

If the situation is one in which we feel reasonably safe, and if there is enough trust between us, then a boundary can be negotiated mutually.

If we don’t feel reasonably safe, or if there is not enough trust to negotiate a boundary, then — and only as a last resort — we can take unilateral action in service of needs. More on this below.

Protective use of force vs punitive use of force

NVC does not have a prohibition against the use of force. Rather, NVC distinguishes between punitive use of force and protective use of force.

The word punitive has the same root as the verb to punish.

Therefore, punitive use of force has the intention to make someone else suffer. NVC recognizes that this is a short-sighted strategy that more often than not backfires and hurts not only others but us as well.

Protective use of force, on the other hand, is when force is used in order to protect life. One possible example would be pushing somebody hard, out of the way of an oncoming car in order to save that person’s life. The person who pushed did not engage in dialog — there was no time! They used their physical force without getting the other person’s consent — so it was unilateral.

But the intention was not to punish or hurt. To the contrary, the intention was to protect life.

There are times when we find we must use strong language or strong physical action in order to protect life.

In NVC, any unilateral action can be construed as a type of protective use of force.

However, NVC instructs us to use protective use of force, or any unilateral action, only as a last resort once we have exhausted all other possibilities.

In the context of boundaries, a negotiated, mutually agreed-upon strategy is, of course, the ideal. But sometimes this is not available and we need to establish a strong boundary in order to protect our or others’ needs.

Interrupting
Another skill NVC teaches you for creating healthy boundaries is the art of interrupting.

Conventional culture tells us that interrupting is rude. However, in NVC it is a key skill. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg called this skillful kind of interrupting, “bringing the conversation back to life!”

There are primarily two ways to interrupt with NVC. One is interrupting with honesty and the other is interrupting with empathy.

Interrupting with honesty might sound like, “I actually don’t have time to talk right now because I need to catch my train. I’ll follow up with you once I am settled on board.”

Interrupting with empathy might sound like, “Quick question — what I hear you saying is that you would like me to complete the project by this Friday. Am I understanding?”

Saying and receiving no
The word perhaps most commonly associated with boundary setting is the word “no.”

NVC gives us specific guidance on both expressing and receiving no.

One insight NVC reveals here is that anytime somebody says no to something it is because they’re saying yes to something else. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg called this listening for the yes behind the no.

NVC would guide you to avoid using phrases like “I can’t,” “I am unable”, and “I don’t want to.” Instead, NVC teaches you to express the needs that get in the way of saying yes.

Notice the following example:

Person A: “Would you be willing to take me to the post office right now?”

Person B: “I have an important client call in 5 minutes. How about afterwards or tomorrow? Is there someone else you can ask?”

In this case, Person B never used the word “no.” Instead, they expressed what was alive that got in the way of saying yes to the request. Rather than saying “no” to the request, Person B expressed what they were a yes for — in this case their client call and perhaps a ride later — and also offered an alternative strategy of asking someone else.

This is also the way you receive a no!

When someone gives you a no, you can assume that there are other needs to which they are saying yes.

It’s much easier to receive someone’s no — and to possibly have a conversation about it — when we intuit or connect with what their needs are behind the choice they’re making.

NVC helps you have healthier boundaries by:

• understanding that boundaries are strategies in service of needs — and then further clarifying what those needs are,

• knowing how to make clear, actionable requests,

• understanding the limitations and nuances of enforcing boundaries through unilateral action,

• knowing when and how to interrupt,

• understanding how to express and receive “no.”

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg on Boundaries

Without healthy boundaries, it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship.

Yet many of us are so conflict-averse that we will often avoid asserting a boundary in an attempt to preserve harmony.

The other side of the coin is that many of us take it as a personal criticism or affront when someone else states their boundary.

Dr. Marshall Rosenberg has left us with this wonderful legacy: we can have our honesty, clarity, and autonomy — including the ability to set clear boundaries — AND we can also have harmony, connection, and community.

Nonviolent Communication gives you concrete tools and skills so that you can have both!

NVC also teaches you how to receive another’s expression of a boundary in a way that hurts less. Because NVC gives you the insight that whatever someone else says or does is in the service of one or more needs, it becomes much easier to avoid taking anything personally.

NVC emphasizes mutually co-created outcomes. When it comes to strategies, that is the ideal.

Dr. Rosenberg reminded his students often that the goal is not to speak NVC correctly, but to connect. We we are connected, co- creating mutually satisfying outcomes becomes an available possibility.

So whenever you find yourself either on the receiving or the expressing side of a boundary being set, remember Dr. Rosenberg’s teaching to look for the yes behind the no. In other words, you can speak (or listen for) the needs that the boundary is in service of.

Content by PuddleDancer Press. Use of content okay with attribution. Please visit www.nonviolentcommunication.com to learn more about Nonviolent Communication.

Halve Your Stress in Seconds: The Power of Naming Emotions!

Did you know you can really lower your stress just by figuring out and saying what you're feeling? Psychologist David Rock says that when you're feeling really tense or worried, you can make yourself half as stressed just by noticing and saying what's going on inside you. Why does this work?

The Power of Trust

According to Natalie Doyle Oldfield, the author of "The Power of Trust” empathy can be your secret weapon to boost trust and improve relationships.

On Fear and being Afraid

Source: Atlas of Emotions

 In my dictionary of Feelings and Needs, Afraid is defined as “a feeling of fear, dread, or apprehension in response to a perceived threat or impending danger.”

The following are listed as synonyms: Fearful, Apprehensive, Scared, Terrified

In this post, renown emotions expert Dr Paul Ekman provides further guidance on fear:

What is Fear?

Fear is one of the seven universal emotions experienced by everyone around the world. Fear arises with the threat of harm, either physical, emotional, or psychological, real or imagined. While traditionally considered a “negative” emotion, fear actually serves an important role in keeping us safe as it mobilizes us to cope with potential danger.

Feeling fear

The family of fearful experiences can be distinguished in terms of three factors:

• Intensity: How severe is the harm that is threatened?

• Timing: Is the harm immediate or impending?

• Coping: What, if any, actions can be taken to reduce or eliminate the threat?

When we are able to cope with the threat, this lessens or removes the fear. Alternatively, when we are helpless to decrease the threat of harm, this intensifies the fear.

Fear can sometimes take place immediately following surprise and often oscillates with the experience of anger.

What makes us fearful

The universal trigger for fear is the threat of harm, real or imagined. This threat can be for our physical, emotional or psychological well-being. While there are certain things that trigger fear in most of us, we can learn to become afraid of nearly anything.

Common fear triggers:

• Darkness or loss of visibility of surroundings

• Heights and flying

• Social interaction and/or rejection

• Snakes, rodents, spiders and other animals

• Death and dying

Moods and disorders

Persistent fear can sometimes be referred to as anxiety if we feel constantly worried without knowing why. The inability to identify the trigger prevents us from being able to remove ourselves, or the actual threat, from the situation.

While anxiety is a common experience for many people, it can be considered a disorder when it is recurrent, persistent, intense, and interferes with basic life tasks such as work and sleep.

Recognizing fear

The facial expression of fear is often confused with surprise. While both expressions show distinctly raised eyebrows, a fear expression's eyebrows are straighter and more horizontal whereas in surprise they are raised and curved. The upper eyelid is also lifted higher in fear than in surprise, exposing more sclera (white of the eye). Finally, the lips are tensed and stretched in fear but more open and slack in surprise.

Source: The Paul Ekman Group

Vocal expression of fear

When experiencing fear, one’s voice often has a higher pitch and more strained tone. One may also scream.

Sensations of fear

Common sensations include feeling cold and shortness of breath. It also may include sweating and trembling or tightening of muscles in the arms and legs.

Posture of fear

The posture of fear can either be one of mobilizing or immobilizing- freezing or moving away.

The function of fear

The universal function of fear is to avoid or reduce harm. Depending on what we have learned in the past about what can protect us in dangerous situations, we are capable of doing many things we wouldn’t typically be able, or willing, to do in order to stop the threat.

The immediate threat of harm focuses our attention, mobilizing us to cope with the danger. In this way, fear can actually save our lives by forcing us to react without having to think about it (e.g., jumping out of the way of a car coming at us). The evolutionary preset actions of fear include fight, flight and freezing.

Responding to fear in ourselves

While traditionally considered a “negative” emotion, fear actually serves an important role in keeping us safe. It can, however, also keep us feeling trapped and prevent us from doing things we’d like to. Whereas some people find fear nearly intolerable and avoid the emotion at all costs, others experience pleasure from feeling fear and seek it out (i.e., watching a horror film).

Responding to fear in others

It takes a well-developed capacity for compassion to respect, feel sympathetic toward, and patiently reassure someone who is afraid of something we are not afraid of (most of us dismiss such fears). We do not need to feel another person's fear to accept it and help them cope.

Paul Ekman is a well-known psychologist and co-discoverer of micro expressions. He was named one of the 100 most influential people in the world by TIME magazine in 2009. He has worked with many government agencies, domestic and abroad. Dr. Ekman has compiled over 50 years of his research to create comprehensive training tools to read the hidden emotions of those around you. You can read this article on his website here.

Why Does Empathy Matter in Forgiveness?

By Emily J. Hooks

Empathy is the ability to walk a mile in another’s skin; to consider life from their perspective. It involves both an intellectual capacity to imagine and an emotional attunement to their experience. Empathy is an integral part of forgiving others and the self.

Forgiving Others

Let’s first look at why empathy matters when forgiving someone we perceive to have caused harm to us or somebody we love. For many, finding empathy for those who have hurt us is understandably difficult. No one wants to take the point of view of someone whom they resent or fear. Why would anyone want to envision the life of an abuser or a person whose values fundamentally differ from our own?

In The Power of Forgiveness, I talk about the skills we need to become forgiving.

• Understand Your Story

• Experience Your Emotional Pain

• Cultivate Empathy

• Learn to Release Judgment

It turns out that we can only get so far through the process without empathy. We can deconstruct and reimagine the stories we have about what happened; we can nurture and release our emotional pain; we can learn that our judgments stand in the way of freedom. But, it is almost impossible to fully release those judgments without an authentic appreciation for why the people who caused harm might have made the choices they made.

An important aspect of forgiving others involves allowing ourselves to open to the suffering of the other. To motivate willingness to do this, it is helpful to remember that you are not doing it for them. You are doing it for your liberation. The compassion that emerges can only open your heart to a more vibrant and full existence. And, while your forgiveness may or may not contribute to their healing, it is not and should not be your primary driver (or deterrent).

As you reflect on what this could look like for you, it can help to recognize that people who mistreat others are acting from, or reacting to, their own injury. And, while it can feel very personal, it is not. You were the unfortunate recipient of a transgression that was likely inevitable, with or without you.

Empathy and Self-forgiveness

It is theorized that human beings developed the capacity to empathize, at least in part, to enable us to anticipate the consequences of our conduct and the impact of that conduct on others. Essentially, it is a tool that provides insight into socially acceptable behaviors and the cost of violating social norms.

When individuals do something that hurts another person, they can react in several ways: indifference, minimization, guilt, shame. If the wrongdoer has the ability to empathize, they will be able to picture/feel the events that unfolded from other points of view. Even if they don’t evaluate what happened the same, they are more likely to feel bad for the impact and take corrective action. These conciliatory behaviors, in turn, ameliorate the guilt, making self-forgiveness more likely. Someone who cannot see circumstances from other vantage points has a much harder time recognizing either the need for self-forgiveness or a path forward through self-healing.

Why Empathy Is Challenging

People have varying aptitudes to empathize. But it is not, as popular culture might have you believe, a mystical ability. Some of us grew up in an environment where perspective-taking was valued, and others did not. In truth, almost anyone can quite quickly learn if they are willing.

One reason people vehemently resist empathy is good, old-fashioned annoyance.  It’s frustrating to think that part of finding our freedom demands that we extend any level of grace to those who seem responsible for suffering. This is why forgiveness is not a choice we make only once but a choice we have to make repeatedly along the journey. It may not be fair, but that doesn’t make it not so.

Another source of resistance is a lived or intuitive sense that opening to an empathic experience can be emotionally demanding. At first, it requires bravery to connect with the anguish of others intentionally. We have to choose what matters most and what we are willing to do to discover our true inner strength. Be patient and gentle and take the next step forward. I am in awe of the human capacity for courage when it matters most.

Exercise: Cultivating Empathy

Here’s an exercise to help demonstrate. Close your eyes and bring to your mind’s eye the image of someone utterly unlike you. Maybe they are standing on the side of the road, ruddy from the sun’s constant companionship, ragged and tired, begging for money from passersby. Or, maybe it is somebody you recently read about who committed an unthinkable crime. Take your time and visualize them in as much detail as you can.

Notice how your body responds to the imagery.

Now, ask yourself, what would have happened to cause you to be in that position? If you’re like most, your first thought will likely be an indignant, I would never; I can’t even… That’s cheating. Answer the question. What happened to you that led you to such profound despair?

Go back in time and imagine what living was like one year ago. Now five, ten. What were your parents like? Did they have to ability to demonstrate morality or fairness? Did they show you tenderness or even passing regard?

Now, visualize the person the day they were born. Are they different from your child or the child of a friend? Probably not. They had the same vulnerability, the same innate needs, and the same intrinsic curiosity and joy as we all do.

Check in with your body again and notice if/how your sensory experience has changed.

If you’re sincere and take your time, you will have embodied our common humanity—empathy—if only fleetingly. You will discover that we are all responding to life with the inner and outer resources available to us. We are doing the best we can to navigate our path through a sometimes seemingly senseless existence. What a gift you possess to have the awareness to choose healing and wholeness over suffering. That is not a gift we all receive.

Don’t be disheartened from starting the forgiveness journey if you feel confident you cannot develop empathy or compassion for the person you need to forgive. Most people can’t imagine being able to forgive at the beginning of the process. You can make significant progress regardless, and you may find when the time comes that it isn’t as unimaginable as it now seems.

When we elicit empathy for the sorrow that has shaped so many human experiences, we generate compassion for the shared human condition. Empathy makes the possibility of forgiving ourselves and others concrete because it broadens our perspective. When we empathize, we can see that, had we lived someone else’s life, we might have made the same choices as they have made. This is connection at the most fundamental level.

About Emily

I have spent the last decades focused on a healing journey centered on forgiveness. I studied spiritual and religious texts from around the globe. I studied psychological theory and practice. Most importantly, I forgave everyone who had ever caused me harm. I forgave myself for the pain I had caused.

Through this work, we can all find love, compassion, and empathy for others. It is possible to both mourn the loss of what was not and fully embrace what was, accepting that struggling against the past only causes more suffering. 

My first book, The Power of Forgiveness: A Guide to Healing and Wholeness, was published in 2017. Today, I share my story and a message of healing through forgiveness. One of my favorite things to do is facilitate workshops and seminars because I get to see that a-ha moment in peoples’ eyes. A lightbulb goes off, and they can finally see why they resisted their own healing for so long. 

I believe as we heal, the world heals. I believe our purpose is to contribute to the evolution of human understanding. We all matter.

https://emilyjhooks.com/about/

Good News about Emotional Intelligence (as it relates to AI)

By Daniel Goleman,

According to a new report from Microsoft,  about 300 million jobs in the future will be impacted by artificial intelligence. This will mean a new way of working -- AI and humans side-by-side. And a global survey of leaders, the report says, targets three abilities as the “new core competencies”: analytical reasoning, flexibility, and emotional intelligence. 

This conclusion comes from Microsoft’s new Work Trend Index report, a globalsurvey of 31,000 people.

And the BBC reports that while AI will impact millions of jobs in the future, there are two key skill sets its unlikely to overtake: innovation and emotional intelligence.

At the same time, there’s good news for anyone who wants to enhance their emotional intelligence. Belgian researchers report a meta-analysis of more than 150 separate studies with a total of 51,000 people finds that emotional intelligence is a critical skill for career success.

The report highlights the key role adaptability – one of a dozen competencies in my EI model – plays in adjusting to new work realities and coping with any difficulties they might bring.

Another aspect of emotional intelligence that helps over the course of your career stems from the EI strengths of self-awareness and self-management: the self-confidence that you can handle your emotional reactions to whatever surprises work (or life) bring.

The research showed that people higher in EI are more satisfied with their jobs – that is, less likely to quit – which signals they make better career decisions in keeping with their motive and interest, and can adapt to the realities of their job.

And because they are better at managing their own emotions, they tend to be easier to work with, more popular among their workmates – the people others like to be around.

The really good news: the research makes clear that the emotional intelligence skills set is learnable.

Unlike our IQ, which is fairly fixed from birth, EI is learned in life – and can be improved at any point, if we are motivated.

Six Ways to Deal With Someone Who Wronged You

Here's what we have learned from 25 years of research about forgiveness—and its alternatives.

BY EVERETT L. WORTHINGTON JR.

MAY 15, 2023

If you had experienced a serious hurt or off ense 25 years ago and you wanted to forgive,you generally would look to simple willpower or perhaps religion for the strength to doso. Science had little to offer. Back in 1998, Michael McCullough and his colleagues found 58 good studies about the nature of forgiveness. As for interventions, only a handful of studies—and a meager handful at that—had been published. And most of them were demonstration experiments with very few participants.

In early 1998, research into forgiveness dramatically accelerated. In the 25 years since then, thousands of studies have been done. Recently, the new book I co-edited with Nathaniel G. Wade, Handbook of Forgiveness, 2nd edition, includes over 30 qualitative review chapters. Each chapter described multiple studies on such things as how forgiveness is related to mental health symptoms, addictions, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), as well as to well-being and flourishing. Other reviews of research described how forgiveness can benefit relationships with loved ones, work colleagues, friends, and societies. Still other research detailed how it can lead to lower cortisol (a primary stress hormone) and higher oxytocin (the so-called bonding peptide) soon after experiencing it. They showed how heart rate variability, a measure of ability to self-soothe, increased. Some found better overall physical health if forgiving is practiced often.

So, in that brief 25 years, we have found out much about forgiveness—and how to help people who want to forgive to do so more efficiently and effectively. We also know that forgiveness alone does not have to do all of the work in dealing with injustices. People can seek justice, relinquish the matter to a higher power, tolerate the injustice, forbear, or accept and move on with their lives. They can also lower their emotional arousal through practicing mindfulness. But for those who choose to pursue it, forgiveness is very beneficial. Here are six new findings that can help you reduce your interpersonal stress, depression, and anxiety, while increasing your flourishing and hope.

1. Think about forgiveness like a scientist

In recent years, scientists have found three major ways to help people forgive. First, we can ponder how forgiving helps the forgiver. Second, we can understand the role of perceived injustices to help us to deal with the injustices life throws at us. Third, we can use many ways of dealing with injustices, forgiveness being only one.

By thinking about the benefits to themselves, people get a leg up on forgiving. Merely dwelling on the benefits for about 10 minutes can motivate forgiveness. We actually found that from our randomized controlled trials studying the REACH Forgiveness intervention. We had people spend comparable time to the time spent in forgiveness groups familiarizing themselves with the benefits of forgiving to the forgiver. Whether they contemplated benefits to themselves for eight hours, six hours, five hours, two hours, one hour, or just 10 minutes, they had about an equal amount of forgiving—and it was substantial, though not as much as the active interventions. Funny how science sometimes works: Even our “placebo control group” consistently helped people forgive.

The essence of science is to keep an open mind to new and often unexpected possibilities. Then, we test them out and see which ones work.

2. Remember that we have options

By recognizing that we have options to handle injustices other than forgiving, we take pressure off of forgiving.

We all “keep score” after we’ve been hurt. The injustice gap is an ongoing subjective tally of how much perceived injustice is attached to each hurt or offense. The injustice gap was proposed in 2003, but a good measure did not exist until 2015. Theory (and experience) told us that our sense of injustice increased if people refused to acknowledge that they had hurt us or kept piling on hurts. However, our sense of injustice was usually reduced when offenders apologized, made amends, and sincerely asked for forgiveness. The larger the perceived injustice gap, the more difficult it is to deal with. In fact, sometimes the injustice gap seems so large it seems like a canyon that feels impossible to leap rather than a gap we can step across with forgiveness.

By realizing that forgiveness does not have to do all of the heavy lifting needed to deal with large injustice gaps, people’s flexibility is increased. We can mix many actions to reduce their sense of injustice to where it is manageable by forgiving. Here are some options.

Actively wait. We might use active waiting. Most forgiveness happens quickly without much effort. McCullough and his colleagues invited people whose hurts were raw to rate their forgiveness daily for 18 days. On the average, most forgave, accepted, or just forgot within 72 hours. Actively waiting worked well. Except when it didn’t. McCullough and his colleagues plotted individual responses. Some instantly forgave. Others quickly did so. Some eventually did so. Most people were quite resilient. But some seemed stuck in the same level of unforgiveness for weeks. Others just seethed and got worse as the weeks went on. The lesson: Forgiveness is very individual. We also know that even if we usually are quick to forgive, we aren’t always equally willing to let go of resentment.

Look for justice. One way to reduce a large perceived injustice gap is to see justice done. Sometimes that is as simple as seeing bullies get their just desserts—like the guy who ran me off the road on my bike one morning and got a ticket for speeding within one mile of his disrespectful, aggressive driving. I didn’t hold a grudge. He got what he deserved.

Stop striving. We can reduce our sense of injustice by actively turning the matter over to God, fate, or karma. When we stop striving, we can begin thriving.

Decide to put up with it. There are four levels of putting up with the injustice. First, we could just minimize it—no big deal. That little cognitive trick rarely fools anyone, least of all ourselves. So, that way of putting up with an injustice is not usually recommended.

Second, we could grit our teeth and tolerate it. That has costs that can twist our gut and increase our internal stresses even though it might ease external and interpersonal stresses.

Third, and better for relationships, we could forbear. Forbearance is putting up with the wrongdoing for the sake of the relationship or group harmony. This does not have to mean that we cave in and do turtle to keep from ruffling our partner’s, boss’s, or work colleagues’ feathers. But forbearance can actively embrace refusal to respond negatively so that we benefit our relationship.

Fourth, and better for our individual peace of mind, we could practice acceptance. We could accept that life is too short to hold on to bitterness. Then, when we feel a trigger to negatively react, we might practice mindfulness.

Of course, there are not-so-good ways that we do try to reduce unforgiveness. Condoning or justifying or excusing or forgetting what was done will not lead to healing, necessarily. And, of course, it doesn’t help to seethe in grudge-holding or seek vengeance either passively or actively. That’s why we need to think flexibly about our options, instead of fixating on forgiveness. That’s not the only way to deal with injustices. We can mix these legitimate coping strategies to shrink the injustice gap.

3. Get ready to try actively to forgive

Think about the most difficult thing you ever successfully forgave. By remembering that, you can prove to yourself that you can forgive—even the hard things. Then commit yourself to trying to forgive and to spend time forgiving.

Analyses of many studies show that time spent trying to forgive is the best predictor of successful forgiving. Remind yourself of the benefits to yourself of forgiving. They are many. Forgiving improves your relationship, mental health and flourishing, spirituality, and immediate physical health and long-term physical health, if you practice forgiveness over time. Decide whether you need to try low-effort approaches first or need a full-court press to forgive. If you opt for therapy—one of the full-court presses—it is good to do a six-hour or two-hour DIY forgiveness manual first to make your therapy time smoother.

4. Consider shortcuts

People seeking to forgive have an abundance of options. Here are some shorter-term versions.

Religions and philosophies have touted forgiveness for hundreds of years; your minister, rabbi, imam, or priest can lay out the path for you. Supportive communities that practice forgiveness have developed methods that are tried-and-true. The internet provides a dizzying array of choices, from Greater Good to Mayo Clinic to Focus on the Family to Psychology Today and far beyond. There are brief videos, podcasts, blogs, and helpful (uh, and a few unhelpful) reactions to posts. Many of the internet sources draw (unsystematically) from published protocols that have been vetted by randomized controlled trials. Some psychologists have websites that offer resources.

5. When needed, rely on evidence-based interventions

Evidence-based interventions are often longer-term fixes. In 2014, Nathaniel Wade and his colleagues analyzed 53 randomized controlled trials to promote forgiveness. The studies sampled around 2,300 participants. They found four major things:

• Two programs each had been supported by about one-third of all studies (my REACH Forgiveness model summarized in the sidebar below and Robert Enright’s process model).

• Both programs were equally effective per hour of treatment, and both were equal to all other programs combined.

• The more one tried to forgive, the more forgiveness one experienced.

• Forgiveness interventions not only helped people forgive, they also were associated with reduced depression and anxiety and increased hope.

These programs have been vetted worldwide and are available in psychoeducational groups, DIY workbooks, psychotherapy, couples therapy, and group therapy. A newer qualitative review of research since the 2014 meta-analysis, by Nathaniel Wade and Marilyn Tittler, sampled around 1,800 participants. Its findings supported the 2014 findings.

A huge study at six sites in five countries on four continents was recently led by Man Yee Ho from Chinese University in Hong Kong. It investigated the effectiveness of REACH Forgiveness using a two- to three-hour DIY workbook. The workbook was a response to the global mental health movement that seeks to make mental health treatments available to people who cannot afford the money or time to do psychotherapy.

Ho’s colleagues sampled almost 4,600 participants (more than doubling the samples of all previous randomized controlled trials added together). They found increases in forgiveness and flourishing and decreases in depression and anxiety. In addition, trait forgivingness (i.e., one’s general disposition to forgive) increased, suggesting that people became more confident that they could forgive future transgressions. The workbooks are available free of cost in English, Spanish, Mandarin Chinese, Ukrainian, and Indonesian—able to reach over two-thirds of the world’s population in their first language. The REACH Forgiveness steps have also been embedded within couples therapy and self-forgiveness treatments.

6. You can forgive even the hard-to-forgive hurts

Three particular types of hard-to-forgive hurts require special effort. These are people who hurt us often, huge hurts, and a combination of repeated huge hurts.

The frequent offender. Forgiving a romantic partner, work colleague with whom you must have frequent contact, or toxic family member is a challenge. These people create large injustice gaps that keep growing, especially if each instance is not dealt with quickly. Co-rumination between the two parties—in which both parties are marinating in how deeply wounded they are—or co-rumination involving a trusted and supportive third party who feeds our hate can keep the wound fresh. A well-meaning third party can, while being empathic and compassionate, keep us stirred up. How can repeated hurts be forgiven?

After several hurts or offenses, we tend to generalize from events to the person. We think, I can’t forgive her! But understanding how generalization happens gives us a clue to forgiving the hard-to-forgive. We pick a single hurt—usually one that might be symbolic of other hurts from our offender—and we forgive it. Then we pick another hurt. And another. Generalization can then work for us because we can get to the place where we think, I forgive her. So, Tip #6a is this: For repeat offenses, forgive one hurt at a time.

The big event. Sometimes it is the sheer magnitude of harm that makes it seem impossible to forgive. The injustice gap seems as large as jumping the Mississippi River. Some people, by willpower, can forgive such events, but for most of us who do not have that superpower, we must eat away at the size of the injustice gap by using those alternatives. Tip #6b is this: Use the alternatives to forgiveness.

Repeated big events. Of course, the hardest of all are big events that are repeated, like physical, sexual, or emotional abuses, repeated discriminatory acts, gaslighting, and bullying. Those often require forgiveness therapy after one has dealt with the trauma or PTSD of the harm. Enright’s process model has been adapted for long-term treatment, and is the most supported model for such treatment.

If you want to, you can forgive virtually anything. The REACH Forgiveness workbook won’t take away all unforgiveness, in the same way that a COVID vaccine won’t make us forever immune to the virus. But it is a great start. And, remember, you can deal with injustices in ways other than forgiving. While a lot of recent research has documented the relationship, mental health, spiritual health, and physical health benefits to the forgiver, recent research has shown that you can begin to reap those rewards in as little as two hours.

THE REACH FORGIVENESS METHOD

Think about the hardest thing you ever successfully forgave. Remind yourself that you CAN forgive.

Rehearse the benefits to yourself of forgiving, and know that forgiveness might help your relationship, if it is safe, prudent, and possible to reconcile.

Work through the five steps to REACH emotional forgiveness.
--R = Recall the hurt as objectively as you can.

--E = Empathize with the one who hurt you. Try, if possible, to see things from their viewpoint. If you can’t, use sympathy, compassion, or even love (particularly in romantic relationships) to replace the negative unforgiving emotions.

--A = Altruistic gift of forgiveness. No one deserves forgiveness. Forgiveness is your choice. If you choose to give it, it is an altruistic gift.

--C = Commit to the emotional forgiveness you experience.

--H = Hold on to forgiveness when you doubt that you’ve really forgiven.

Seek to make a decision to forgive, which is deciding not to pay the person back but to treat the person as a valuable and valued person. This is about your intention to treat the person differently.

Try to solidify your forgiveness by applying the REACH steps and making a decision to forgive in several other relationships that are not characterized by full forgiveness.

Everett L. Worthington Jr.

Everett L. Worthington, Jr., Ph.D., is Commonwealth Professor Emeritus at Virginia Commonwealth University and co-editor (with Nathaniel G. Wade) of Handbook of Forgiveness, 2nd ed. (2020, Routledge). He studies forgiveness, humility, and other character strengths and virtues within positive psychology.

© 2023 The Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley

Empathic Listening 101

Empathy is a critical component of effective communication and building strong relationships. Listening empathically is a powerful tool that can help us connect with others on a deeper level, foster understanding, and reduce conflict. However, it's not always easy to listen empathically, as it requires us to set aside our own thoughts and opinions and be fully present in the conversation.

To listen empathically, the first step is to be present in the moment. This means putting aside any distractions, such as electronic devices, and focusing solely on the person who is speaking. It's also important to be attentive and alert, observing the speaker's tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions.

Once we have established a sense of presence, the next step is to follow the speaker's lead. This involves allowing them to guide the conversation, without interrupting or changing the subject. We must also avoid making assumptions about what the speaker is trying to say and instead allow them to express themselves fully.

Encouragement is also critical when listening empathically. We can do this by using open-ended questions to encourage the speaker to share more about their thoughts and feelings. Examples of such questions include "Can you tell me more about that?" or "What else comes to mind when you think about that?"

Empathizing is another key component of empathic listening. It involves acknowledging the speaker's emotions and validating their feelings. One way to do this is to reflect back what we hear using phrases like "It sounds like you're feeling frustrated" or "I can see why you would be upset about that." This helps the speaker feel heard and understood.

Clarification is also important in empathic listening. It involves asking questions to ensure that we understand what the speaker is saying accurately. This helps to avoid misunderstandings and allows us to gain a deeper understanding of the speaker's perspective.

Finally, summarizing what we have heard is an essential step in empathic listening. It demonstrates that we have understood the speaker's perspective, even if we do not agree with it. Using phrases like "So, if I understand correctly, you're saying..." or "It sounds like you feel..." can help to summarize the key points of the conversation.

While listening empathically can be challenging, the rewards are significant. It can help us build stronger relationships, promote understanding and reduce conflict. By following the steps outlined above, we can become better listeners and more empathetic communicators.

According to ChatGPT, empathy is....

Empathy is the ability to understand and share the feelings, emotions, and perspectives of others. It involves putting oneself in someone else's shoes, and imagining what it would feel like to experience what they are going through. Empathy is often described as an essential aspect of being human, as it allows us to connect with and care for others, and to form meaningful relationships. It is also an important skill in many professions, such as counseling, healthcare, and social work, as it helps people to better understand and support others.

What is Emotional Intelligence?

Four Ways We Avoid Our Feelings—and What to Do Instead

Avoiding our emotions is not good for our mental health. A psychologist explains how to break the habit and embrace your vulnerability.

BY SABDRA PARKER | MARCH 30, 2023

When was the last time you felt anxious, with your body braced and on edge? It could have been when your partner was late coming home and you couldn’t reach them on their cell, your computer crashed just before a deadline, your child had a full-on tantrum in the grocery store, or you were waiting on medical test results. In that moment, how did you respond?

Maybe you grabbed a bag of cheese puffs, or had a sudden impulse to tidy the kitchen, or found yourself online shopping for that incredibly useful cauliflower corer. Maybe you noticed your racing heart or shallow breathing and started to worry about having an illness. Perhaps you distracted yourself tackling 14 things on your to-do list. Or you had an irresistible urge to check your social media feeds or watch endless TikTok reels of dancing cats. Or maybe you started telling yourself threatening stories (“What if they’ve been in an accident?”; “There’s something wrong with me”; “I can’t cope”; “I shouldn’t be feeling this way”).

In my experience as a psychologist working with clients for 30 years, what is going on in these moments is we are escaping from our inner lives—and this happens when we are confronted with vulnerability. We are triggered by uncomfortable sensations in our bodies heralding emotions stirring beneath, and we do anything rather than face them.

Many kinds of suffering can arise from this. Indeed, research suggests people who avoid emotion tend to have higher pain levels, increased cardiovascular risk, and higher cancer rates, as well as increased depressionn, anxiety, and problems in relationships.

Instead of avoiding what we feel when we are vulnerable, we need to shift our approach. We need to slow down and truly feel our bodies, so we can soothe our nervous systems and access our underlying emotions. When I guide clients to do this, they are able to let go of the urgent need for certainty and control that leads to anxiety problems, release the self-criticism that leads to apathy and depression, and remain present with their vulnerability and benefit from the healthy power of emotion. And this is something you can learn to do, too.

How to recognize unrest

We are always vulnerable, with limited control over the things that matter to us. Maybe you want your brother to quit drinking or your kids to get along or your boss to stop being so critical, or you want to protect those you love from harm or you want an end to world hunger and climate change, or you want this magical moment where everyone is all together at Thanksgiving feeling so close and connected to last forever. Whether we want things we like to always stay the same, or we want things we don’t like to change, it is not entirely in our hands. And just when we are confronted with our vulnerability, a physical feeling disrupts us.

I call this “unrest”: our physical experience of vulnerability, announcing the ideal moment to tune in and spark our growth. And here is the predicament: Unrest causes nervous system activation—a knot in the stomach, braced muscles, shallow breathing, sweaty palms, faster heart rate—and the brain unconsciously interprets this as danger.

This is the moment we usually turn away—toward social media or eating or productivity—but we don’t have to. The first step in embracing our feelings is to differentiate unrest from fear and anxiety. This is not easy to do because unrest, anxiety, and fear activate the same area of the brain and feel identical in the body, despite serving very different functions.

You can recognize anxiety as the avoidant thing you do after unrest stirs you, when you are trying to distract yourself or fix the physical discomfort in your body. Anxiety lets us fantasize that we can control outcomes—the futile “if only” and “what if’s” we often linger upon. Unfortunately, our anxiety lies to us, amplifying (in my experience) our uncomfortable bodily sensations.

Fear, meanwhile, is the core emotion that warns us of immediate threat to life and limb, directing us to fight or flee. Quickened reactions, strengthened muscles, and enhanced lung capacity are lifesaving. In these instances, our physical reactions are not a problem; they are not too much or “stressful.”

If we are afraid of something in the future or the past—anticipating a dangerous possibility or recalling a past danger—we are experiencing anxiety, not fear. This is one of the hardest things for chronically anxious people to accept: that their worry is a story, a prediction, a possibility, but it is not danger.

Four ways we avoid our feelings

Becoming familiar with the ways you typically avoid and escape allows you to tune in even if you missed the initial call of unrest, letting you come home to the body, soothe unrest, and feel. Here is what to look out for.


This essay is adapted from Embracing Unrest: Harness Vulnerability to Tame Anxiety and Spark Growth (October 2022, 274 pages) with permission from Page Two Books.

Minimizing and distracting. We may brush off inner experience as “no big deal.” We might even feel our indifference to discomfort is strength, and there’s no point in feeling, especially when we cannot make outcomes bend to our will. We ignore and neglect our bodies’ signs of stress and may push through our limits until we risk exhaustion, burnout, depression, and physical illness.

For example, my client Aaron didn’t even realize how agitated and tense he was. His habit was to ignore his feelings and just push on at work, blaming himself when things went wrong. His sleep got worse and he became impatient with colleagues. He only started to seek help when his doctor insisted that his gastrointestinal problems were caused by stress.

Control and worry. Sophia came into my office for help with anxiety. “I am too uptight. I haven’t slept properly in years. I wake up at night and just can’t get back to sleep. . . . I get thinking about certain difficulties in my life and I can’t let go; my mind is like a dog with a bone.”

Sophia thought of herself as someone who was tuned in to her body. But the problem wasn’t a lack of attention, it was that she only checked in to “fix” the anxiety, to “make it go away.” Sophia was arguing with reality, feeling she should be a certain way and worrying in an effort to get control and certainty in a world that has neither.

Self-attack. If self-criticism is a deep-seated habit, you may have learned in childhood that your vulnerability leads to abandonment, after being left alone in moments of strong emotions. And so you tell yourself that if you tried harder or were smarter, a better person, more lovable or attractive or stronger or not as gullible or more patient or acted sooner…then things would go better. These lies create a harsh inner environment that can lead to flattened emotional experience, low self-worth, and potentially depression.

The emotional masquerade. If it looks like sadness and walks like sadness and talks like sadness, is it sadness? Nope. Sometimes other feelings are employed to remove you from pain. If anger was not OK in your childhood environment, you may get weepy and look sad when you get into an argument with your partner. If sadness was regarded as weak, you may appear angry and push people away when you feel sad. You may feel guilty when you feel angry toward someone you care about. These “faux feelings” can keep you stuck if you don’t access the emotions underneath.

How to embrace unrest

Embracing unrest is a journey for life, without a perfect endpoint. It’s about changing your way of being with yourself when you don’t feel good, so when unrest calls, you approach discomfort and access the power of your emotion. Below are two practices to help you rewire your brain to notice and soothe unrest.

1. What’s your ringtone? Like a telephone, unrest has a unique ringtone that lets us know it’s just for us. Our job is to learn our ringtone so we can quickly notice and respond to the call.

In a few sentences, jot down something that is troubling you. Let yourself be aware of the gap between what you want and your ultimate control over the outcome. Pick up your smartphone to video yourself as you describe your vulnerable situation. When you have described it fully, turn off the camera and play the video back.

Observe your body in the video. Be curious, and really “listen” for your ringtone. You have hundreds of muscles, and some will signal more intensely than others—you might notice tapping toes, holding your breath, a furrowed brow, fidgety fingers, or raised shoulders.

Play the video a few times to make sure you have caught all the signals of unrest that you can see. Try to identify your top three sensations of unrest.

2. Say “I DO.” This is a commitment to yourself, like a sacred wedding vow, to tune inward when you notice unrest.

Identify where you feel the sensation; locate it precisely, one place at a time—not just “My muscles are tense,” but which ones and where? Not just arms, but biceps versus triceps; not just tight chest, but where, how large an area?

Describe what you feel using words that capture the quality of your muscle tension and energy, such as:

• bracing

• constricted

• tight

• heavy

• knotted

• clenched

• agitated

• buzzing

• fidgety

• jittery

• jumpy

• fluttery

Observe one specific sensation with the intention of paying slow, deep attention. Ask yourself: “What does that feel like?” over and over.

• If your answer is “tense,” then ask, “What does ‘tense’ feel like?”

• If your answer is “like a shell,” then ask, “What does that shell feel like?”

Continue this process until you sense a slight release, perhaps a 20% reduction in tension, as your body registers your presence and is soothed. Rest there and feel proud of yourself.

Riding the wave of emotion

Once the body is soothed, we feel safe enough to allow space for the emotions that we have been avoiding. Having guided many clients through this process, I find that it goes something like this: Unrest heralds a moment of vulnerability; something you long for is not entirely in your hands. Your right shoulder grips and instead of ignoring it, you pause, paying careful attention to the tense muscles. After a moment of precise, warm interest, your muscles release and you feel your shoulder drop slightly. Your body registers your awareness and settles.

In that moment, your body understands that, whatever has activated the nervous system, there is no danger—because if there were, you would be focusing outward, not inward. Your body is freed from its prime directive to keep you safe. This safeness opens a channel within you that allows a wave of sadness to come through. This sadness is carrying you to a truth you have been avoiding.

Perhaps you realize you’re working so hard to get everything done but can’t do it alone. Maybe you wish you were more efficient and had more time and energy. But you are indeed only human. The sadness rises and a heavy pressure pulls on your sternum. You breathe into the discomfort as it crests and then ebbs. You find a space inside yourself where you matter. You accept yourself in your limits. You feel less alone, more capable of giving yourself patience and compassion. More able to ask for help.

You might be surprised by the vulnerable truths that emerge when you pay attention to your body:

• “I really want this opportunity but can’t guarantee it, and that makes me mad and sad.”

• “My body is tight because I’m facing longing and limits in our disagreement.”

• “I value our relationship and want to speak my truth, but I can’t guarantee that my protest won’t threaten our bond.”

Getting in touch with your emotions like this can enhance your relationships and have profound mental health benefits. Research indicates that accessing emotion deepens our experience of life’s meaning, buffers stress, aids in decision making, and is a key factor in improved mental health. As well, experiencing emotion is growth-promoting, leading to higher levels of resilience and authenticity.

You are not meant to detach, numb out, avoid, and distract from the pain and beauty of life. You are meant to care deeply without clinging, controlling, or being overwhelmed. Your vulnerability is your strength, and it will grow you. Your emotions are the energy that will transform you and propel you toward your most rich and authentic life.

Sandra Parker, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and author of Embracing Unrest: Harness Vulnerability to Tame Anxiety and Spark Growth. She earned her doctoral degree at the University of British Columbia, in Vancouver, and is a member of the BC Psychological Association, Canadian Psychological Association, and Canadian Register of Health Service Providers in Psychology.

© 2023 The Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley

What are faux feelings and how can mediators can use them to get to the heart of the matter?

Mediators support people resolve conflict.

To do so, they need to work with emotions.

Yet, a lot of the time, the participants are not in touch with their emotions or feelings.

And are more in touch with their judgments of what the other participant did wrong.

So, when they think they are expressing their feelings, they are often revealing their judgments of the other.

I was once mediating an internal workplace conflict.

The manager and her subordinate had been friends when they worked together as peers.

She got the promotion to be the manager.

He thought someone else should have.

That was a year ago.

Now their relationship was strained.

They were in mediation.

She was sharing how he had always been so supportive of her, before the promotion.

No longer.

Now, it seemed, he was focused on second guessing and playing ‘gotcha’.

She bit her lip gently as the muscle at the end of her chin spasmed up involuntarily.

Barely perceptibly, she teared up.

And said:

“I felt betrayed!”

But is betrayed a feeling?

Some would say no.

That 'betrayed' is not a pure feeling but rather a faux feeling.

Faux feelings are also called non-feeling words.

The Asheville Center for Compassionate Communication says non-feeling words are words describing your judgment of "what others are doing to you."

They suggest that although the words feel or felt commonly precedes words like betrayed, they are not true feelings.

Rather, they are judgments of what the other has done wrong, and why they are to blame.

Other examples of faux feelings include attacked, bullied, blamed, belittled, discounted, left out, manipulated, provoked, put down and victimized.

The term faux, which suggests something is 'fake', is unfortunate as their expression provides a gateway into what is really going on emotionally.

It may not be the kindest expression, but it is often more honest.

More real.

Because, for every faux or non-feeling word, there are authentic feelings (not tainted by judgement), that point to needs not met, waiting for discovery.

So, for example, behind betrayal we often find anger, hurt and disappointment.

Suggesting the possible need for trust, dependability, honor, commitment and clarity in the relationship.

The ideal is that we express ourselves using words to describe what we noticed about our emotional sensations and the authentic feelings we associated, without judgment.

The reality, certainly in mediation, is that participants are not always capable of doing so.

And so, when they do use words like betrayed, consider seeing it as an opportunity to reframe the conversation away from judgment, and back to feelings and needs.

Here’s an image with some examples of ‘faux feelings’:

Returning to my mediation.

Using the wisdom, that behind judgments are valid feelings and needs, I was able to acknowledge the hurt and disappointment I'd seen on her face.

And through gentle probing, establish that she was angry too.

Importantly she was able to confirm her need to be able to depend on her subordinate, and restore trust.

All of this had a cathartic affect.

And contributed to a resolution that day.

So, I say yes to faux feelings.

And put them to good use.

To get to the heart of the matter.

By refocusing on feelings and needs.

To support a lasting resolution.

What is Empathy?

The Importance of Empathy

From LifeHacker (http://lifehacker.com/)

With an increasingly polarized and divided world, we need empathy more than ever before. Too often we are talking at each other, unable to listen and jumping to entirely wrong conclusions. Communication is fast becoming a stressful endeavor, which instead of connecting us, is increasing separation. So, what is empathy? We seem to have let go this most basic human characteristic. There are so many misconceptions around this simple and essential quality we seem to have forgotten. Learn more about empathy and how to develop it…

Some of the posts in relation to this video on You Tube:

Enrique Sanchez: “Empathy should be taught at every educational level because that's the key for living in harmony with the world. Empathy not only involves humans but also animals and every living creature and mother earth.”

Maureen O’Connell: “Empathy is, at its simplest, awareness of the feelings and emotions of other people. It is a key element of Emotional Intelligence, the link between self and others because it is how we as individuals understand what others are experiencing as if we were feeling it ourselves.”

BendingBananas: “Seriously, a lot of people could really use a good dosage of empathy. Imagine how much nicer everyone would be!“

Dakota Rose: “What a beautiful thing Empathy is. This video was great! Whoever made this did a good job creatively capturing the idea of empathy. Good work.”

What is Empathy?

Differentiating Between Feelings And Faux Feelings

By John Kinyon

Feeling is awareness of inner bodily experience of sensations and emotions, versus thinking, such as “I feel like you don’t respect me,” or “I feel that you’re not listening.” Words commonly used for feelings often mix up thought and feeling (“faux feeling” language, e.g. “I feel judged, disrespected and unappreciated.”) Feelings relate to our perceptions of the world and the quality of our thinking. Feeling presence in our body and compassionately accepting our feelings creates inner connection and helps us process/integrate emotions.

The feelings and needs on this PDF Handout are suggestions only; this listing is neither complete nor definitive. It is intended as an aid to translating words that are often confused with feelings. These words imply that someone is doing something to you and generally connote wrongness or blame. To use this list, when somebody says “I’m feeling rejected,” you might translate this as: “Are you feeling scared because you have a need for inclusion?”

PDF Handout

John Kinyon has devoted his life and career to furthering human connection and cooperation around the world through empathic communication. John is co-creator of the Mediate Your Life (MYL) training program and company, based in the work of Nonviolent Communication/NVC (cnvc.org). 

More samples from the PDF file:

The Atlas of Emotions

In collaboration with the Dalai Lama, Drs. Paul and Eve Ekman created an online, interactive map of emotions to increase emotional awareness and compassion on a global front. 

The motivations behind this project are simple: we don't know what we don't know, and many of us don't know what we're feeling or why--we simply react! By expanding our understanding and use of greater emotional vocabularies, each of us will be better equipped to notice, learn from, and manage emotional triggers and responses.

The Atlas of Emotions is available for free to the public free as an online educational resource.

The Science of Emotions & Relationships | Huberman Lab Podcast #13

by Dr Andrew Huberman

In this episode, I discuss the biology of emotions and moods in the context of relationships. I focus on the science of how early infant-caregiver attachment, combined with adolescence and puberty shapes our adult patterns of attachment. I explain the three universal aspects of emotions, the reality of right-brain versus left-brain personalities, and how the roots of adult attachment are also grounded in specific aspects of puberty. I review what factors determine when puberty starts and ends, and the role of oxytocin and other chemicals in controlling how we perceive and remember others. As always, I refer to various practical tools including new tools for understanding and predicting our emotions before they occur, and neurochemicals that shape human connection.

Dr. Andrew Huberman is a neuroscientist and tenured professor of neurobiology and ophthalmology at Stanford School of Medicine. The podcast discusses neuroscience and science-based tools, including how our brain and its connections with the organs of our body control our perceptions, our behaviors, and our health, as well as existing and emerging tools for measuring and changing how our nervous system works. The podcast is frequently ranked in the top 15 of all podcasts globally and is often ranked #1 in the categories of Science, Education, and Health & Fitness.

Empathy is not the same as Sympathy

Have you ever wondered about the difference between empathy and sympathy?

And if you have, why sympathy has got such a bad name?

Dr Berne Brown’s famous video is a great starting place to explore the difference between the two!

In the video Dr Brown says that empathy fuels connection and sympathy drives disconnection. To empathize, she says, we must internalize the feelings of another.

In the examples she gives she suggests that we sympathize when we avoid acknowledging others difficult feelings and also when we minimize the experience of another, such as when we ‘silver-line’ with expressions like, “at least you have a job,” after hearing that the person was demoted.

I agree that these last two practices (avoidance and minimizing) are not empathetic, but I am not sure that they are what sympathy is about. Or indeed the real reasons for sympathy’s bad name.

As is often the case, words have numerous meanings. Sympathy’s Latin roots point to ‘similar feelings’ (sympathia and pathos).

However, the primary sense in most modern dictionaries suggest that sympathy means “pity or sorrow for someone’s misfortune.”

Sympathy as pity is dis-empowering and fuels disconnection. Comments like “I don’t want your sympathy” confirm this.

We want to be allowed to feel our feelings, rather than be rescued by the sympathizer who can never actually feel for us!

I agree that this sense is unfortunate and I suspect a reason for sympathy’s bad name.

But sympathy can also refer to the original Latin meaning and our capacity to recognize a common feeling. We sense that the other person may be feeling something similar to what we have previously experienced and sympathize.

As the listener, if we express our sympathy we may say “I was also ‘gutted’ when my team lost!”

The apparent danger is that unless we are careful we shift the focus away from the other. Now it’s about me and my team!

That’s another reason for its bad name.

So what then is empathy, and how is it different?

Empathy is our capacity to sense and understand what another is feeling from their – nor our – point of view.

This to me is vital. The focus is on them and how they make sense of their feelings.

So while I listen to my English friend bemoan their loss in the rugby world cup, I can sympathize as suggested above as I know what it feels like to lose. 

But I can also empathize. 

And when I do the shift is apparent. “I imagine you were gutted when your team lost! Especially as hosts. Must really hurt!”

As is suggested by Paul Bellet and Michael Maloney, our perspective becomes superfluous, certainly secondary to that of the speaker: 

“Empathy is the capacity to understand what another person is experiencing from within the other person's frame of reference, i.e., the capacity to place oneself in another's shoes.” 

 At best my frame of reference and knowledge of rugby can help me to understand what my friend is feeling (sympathy), but empathy lies in my ultimate ability to demonstrate to my friend that I understand him and his woes.

Empathy builds connection, and is based on authentic attention to the other.

Sympathy can move us toward, but is not the same as empathy.

In the same way that avoidance and minimization are neither sympathetic nor empathetic.

Much ado about nothing? 

Not so sure. Words matter.

Sympathy has its place, but there are dangers.

Which is why for life’s challenges,

I prefer empathy!