Compassion

AI Empathy in Mediation; When Algorithms Show Compassion

By Michael Lardy
January 6, 2026

https://mediate.com/ai-empathy-in-mediation-when-algorithms-show-compassion/

Empathy, a key core competency in mediation, is not merely a personality trait, but fulfills a methodological function: it builds trust, enables perspective-taking, and forms the basis for constructive communication between conflicting parties. Without a minimum level of empathic resonance, it is difficult to create a safe space in which interests and emotions can be openly discussed(1).

With the advent of powerful AI systems, especially large language models (LLMs = ) such as ChatGPT, Gemini, or Claude, the question increasingly arises as to whether and to what extent these systems can develop or at least simulate a comparable capacity for empathy(2). This question touches on the selfimage of a profession that has so far focused on humans as beings with the unique ability to feel compassion and empathy(3).

In recent years, research on this topic has developed very dynamically: numerous studies have shown that LLMs can identify and name emotional states in test situations and respond appropriately to them – in some cases even better than human comparison groups(4). Other studies, however, warn against the “illusion of empathy,” i.e., linguistic warmth without genuine understanding of content(5). This distinction is essential for mediation practice, as every statement is made in the context of complex relationship dynamics.

Against this background, my aim in this article is to present the current state of research on the empathy of AI systems, describe their possibilities and limitations in the context of mediation-related processes, and discuss the ethical and social implications.

What is empathy?

Empathy is not a uniformly defined term in psychological and communication science literature. Most authors distinguish between cognitive empathy—the intellectual understanding of another person’s feelings and perspectives—and affective empathy—the emotional experience of these feelings(6). In some cases, a third dimension is distinguished, namely compassion, which encompasses not only empathy but also the motivation to act in a supportive manner(7) (8) (9).

All three dimensions play a role in mediation, with cognitive empathy being particularly important in the structured reconstruction of perspectives, while affective empathy strengthens emotional connection and compassion acts as a de-escalating impulse for action(10). However, transferring these concepts to AI systems encounters methodological and conceptual limitations: machines have neither subjective experience nor emotions in the human sense, but can only recognize patterns in language or other data and reproduce them(11).

To measure empathy in the context of artificial intelligence, methods based on observable functions and performance are therefore usually used. One of the most important models is the EPITOME framework (Emotional Reactions, Interpretations, Explorations), which was originally developed for the analysis of peer support conversations(12). It codes empathic communication into three mechanisms: the immediate emotional reaction to a statement, the interpretation of the underlying meaning, and exploration through follow-up questions. Studies show that LLMs are particularly strong in the first category—the linguistic mirroring of emotions—while they perform weaker on average in interpretation and exploration(13).

Another established measurement approach is the Levels of Emotional Awareness Scale (LEAS), a psychological test that confronts test subjects with hypothetical scenarios and assesses their ability to name their own and others’ emotions in a differentiated manner(14). In a study by Elyoseph et al. (2023), ChatGPT achieved significantly higher scores than the human comparison group and even improved its results in a second test conducted one month later(15). In addition, PsychoBench, introduced in 2024, offers a test framework with 13 psychometric scales, including empathy and emotional intelligence tests, which can be used for direct comparison of different AI models(16).

In addition to these scales, more complex evaluation frameworks have recently been used that analyze dialogue sequences in real time and compare them with codes from motivational interviewing (MTI) research. These methods enable a more precise assessment of the extent to which AI systems not only provide empathetic-sounding formulations but also perform empathetic acts during the conversation. Nevertheless, the central methodological challenge remains: empathy in AI is always a display, a recognizable pattern that evokes the impression of empathy in the other person without any underlying emotional state.

State of research

The scientific debate on the empathy of LLMs has gained considerable momentum since 2023.

One of the earliest studies to test AI in the field of emotional awareness, as mentioned above, was conducted by Elyoseph et al. (2023)(17). Using the Levels of Emotional Awareness Scale (LEAS), the authors compared ChatGPT’s performance with norm values from the general population. ChatGPT achieved significantly higher scores and even improved between two test dates within a month.

For mediation, this suggests that LLMs are able to differentiate between emotional states and name them precisely in language – a skill that can be particularly valuable in the problem exploration phase.

  • A Harvard University/University of Graz study by Li, Herderich, and Goldenberg (2024)(18) examined the ability of GPT-4 and human subjects to cognitively reevaluate (“reframe” in communication science) negative situations. GPT-4 outperformed human controls in three out of four evaluation domains, even when humans were offered financial incentives for better performance. This suggests that AI can be used for reframing tasks.

  • Cuadra et al. (2024)(19) coined the term “illusion of empathy” to describe how LLMs often generate linguistic warmth but perform less well in the dimensions of interpretation and exploration. A systematic comparison showed that AI statements appeared empathetic in the initial contact, but were less substantive in more in-depth conversation phases.

  • Schlegel et al. (2025 )(20) tested LLMs and humans using standardized “emotional intelligence tests.” The study shows that current large language models (including GPT-4) performed significantly better than average human test subjects in standardized emotional intelligence tests, including recognizing, understanding, and appropriately regulating emotions. GPT-4 was also able to create realistic and versatile new test tasks that largely matched human-developed tests in terms of difficulty, clarity, and real-world relevance.

These results suggest that modern AI models possess a high degree of “cognitive empathy” i.e., they demonstrate precise knowledge of emotions and their regulation—a key prerequisite for acting convincingly in empathy-related contexts such as mediation, counseling, or customer service.

  • Huang et al. (2024)(21) presented with PsychoBench, a concept comprising 13 psychometric tests, including empathy tests. It enables direct model comparisons and can be used for both research and practical testing. For mediation, this opens up the possibility of systematically testing AI assistants for empathy and communication skills before they are deployed.

  • Juquelier et al. (2025)(22) investigated in three experiments how empathic chatbots influence perceived social presence and the quality of information. Under normal conditions, empathic formulations increased user satisfaction. Under time pressure, however, the effect was reversed – participants found the empathy distracting.

  • A study by Chen et al. (2026)(23) on intercultural empathy found that conscious AI dialogue increased empathy scores among US participants, but not among Latin American participants. This suggests that empathic communication is culturally influenced and requires special attention in internationally diverse mediation groups.

  • Mei et al. (2024)24 tested GPT-4 in classic economic behavior games (ultimatum, trust, prisoner’s dilemma, and public goods games) and found that the model often behaved more cooperatively and altruistically than the average human comparison group.

Benefits for mediation work?

The latest research findings indicate that LLMs can already provide useful support in several areas of mediation-related work. The aim is not to replace human mediators, but to expand their tools and skills. Key areas of application are presented below.

Support in preparing for discussions

AI can be used prior to the actual mediation (pre-mediation) to structure conflict histories and identify core emotional issues. Here, LLMs use their ability to differentiate between emotions, as demonstrated in the LEAS study by Elyoseph et al. (2023). By analyzing written preliminary discussions or emails, potential points of escalation can be identified, which facilitates the mediator’s preparation.

Reframing

The above-average performance of GPT-4 in cognitive reappraisal (reframing) documented by Li, Herderich, and Goldenberg (2024) suggests that AI can be used specifically as a reframing assistant. In practice, this means that a mediator can enter the parties’ statements into the system anonymously during preparation or, with the consent of both parties, during a session in order to obtain alternative, less confrontational expressions. This can help to break down barriers to communication or defuse ambiguous statements.

Proposal generation

In the options phase of mediation, LLMs can be used to generate solution-oriented proposals. The results of the behavioral game study by Mei et al. (2024) show that GPT-4 tends to act more altruistically in cooperative scenarios than the average value of human comparison groups. This can be used in mediation-like settings to show the parties options that build on common interests.

Co-moderator in ODR

In ODR formats where the mediator/moderator and parties are not physically present, AI can act as a structuring co-moderator. It can summarize conversation logs in real time, highlight key statements, and remind participants of open issues. Pilot projects such as the study “Robots in the Middle”25 prove that GPT-4 can provide impetus for de-escalating interventions in simulated online mediation scenarios.

The high scores achieved by LLMs in emotional intelligence tests (Schlegel et al., 2025) and psychometric benchmarks (Huang et al., 2024) also open up new possibilities in mediator training. AI can serve as a feedback system that shows prospective mediators which of their statements come across as empathetic and where there is potential for more precise or differentiated wording.

Limitations and risks

As promising as the results of recent research on the empathy capabilities of AI systems may seem, it is essential for mediation practice to clearly identify the existing weaknesses, dangers, and ethical issues of this technology. The following points show that the use of empathic AI in mediation carries considerable risks without careful design and human supervision.

The distinction introduced by Cuadra et al. (2024) between emotional reactions on the one hand and the more profound mechanisms of interpretation and exploration on the other, illustrates that LLMs often show deficits in the latter. In mediation, this can lead to parties feeling understood without any new perspectives or solutions actually being developed – a deceptive sense of progress.

Several studies show that AI systems can react differently in empathetic communication depending on the perceived identity of the other person26. In experiments with different demographic profiles, LLMs sometimes provided stereotypical or distorted responses. This is particularly problematic for mediation, where neutrality and impartiality are central principles. Undetected biases could not only undermine the trust of the parties, but also raise legal liability issues.

The study by Chen et al. (2026) on intercultural empathy shows that the effect of empathic communication depends heavily on cultural expectations. In international mediation settings, there is therefore a risk that an AI-generated “empathic” message may not only be ineffective in certain cultural circles, but may even be inappropriate.

The behavioral game study by Mei et al. (2024) shows that GPT-4 tends to favor cooperative and altruistic decisions. While this is desirable in many conflict situations, it can be problematic in others—for example, when an overly cooperative pattern leads to the premature watering down of legitimate but contentious positions held by one party. This phenomenon of “overly accommodating” AI can lead to one-sided dynamics.

The experiments conducted by Juquelier, Poncin, and Hazée (2025) illustrate that the benefits of empathetic communication depend on the situational context. Under time pressure or when the focus is highly task-oriented, a consistently “warm” tone can be perceived as disruptive or artificial. AI systems that do not adaptively take the context of the conversation into account therefore risk producing counterproductive effects. The use of empathetic AI in highly sensitive processes such as mediation is subject to strict legal requirements.

Ethical and social implications

The integration of empathetic AI systems into mediation work raises profound ethical and social issues. These relate in particular to trust in the process, confidentiality, protection against discrimination, and the professional and liability responsibilities of the mediators involved.

Trust is not only a necessary framework condition in mediation, but also a process goal in itself. The integration of AI can both strengthen and undermine this trust. Studies show that participants perceive AI-generated communication as high quality, but rate it as less empathetic once it becomes clear that it does not originate from a human being. In this area of tension, mediators must balance the duty of transparency with the risk of “self-devaluation” of the empathetic effect. The principle of informed consent suggests that parties must be clearly informed in advance about the use of AI.

In mediation, confidentiality is a central principle that is often contractually or legally protected. The use of cloud-based LLMs raises questions here about data transfer to third countries and purpose limitation. Even if the content of conversations is not stored directly, the processing of sensitive data in training or fine-tuning processes may violate law. 

Like all high-risk AI applications, empathetic AI must comply with requirements to prevent discriminatory effects. This includes both avoiding bias in the training data and implementing mechanisms that detect and block unfair or stereotypical statements. This is particularly relevant in mediation-related procedures, as unbalanced interventions can lead to de facto partisanship, thereby compromising the requirement of neutrality.

The use of AI does not release the mediator from his responsibility. If one party claims that AI intervention contributed to an unfavorable or unbalanced outcome, this could have consequences under liability law.

In the long term, the question arises as to whether increased use of empathetic AI could lead to an erosion of human empathy. While some researchers argue that AI-supported training can even improve mediators’ empathic abilities, others warn against a “delegation of competence” in which the constant outsourcing of certain conversational functions leads to an impoverishment of social interaction skills. This debate touches on the core of mediation’s social role as a human-centered process.

Outlook

Previous research findings suggest that AI systems capable of empathy will play an increasingly important role in mediation-related processes in the coming years. However, the development will not move toward completely replacing human mediators, but rather toward hybrid models in which humans and machines work together in a complementary manner.

Despite numerous studies, there are still significant gaps in research:

Long-term effects: Previous studies have mainly been cross-sectional. There is a lack of reliable data on how the use of empathetic AI affects the course and sustainability of conflict resolution in the long term.

Cultural diversity: As Chen et al. (2026) have shown, the effect of empathetic AI varies across cultures. Targeted intercultural research designs are needed to understand what adjustments are necessary for multinational mediation settings.

Intermodality: Most tests are based on text interaction. Studies on multimodal systems that incorporate language, gestures, and facial expressions are rare, even though nonverbal signals are central to empathy.

Bias detection and correction: Initial methods for bias detection exist, but there are no standardized benchmarks specifically tailored to mediation-relevant conversation contexts.

Three possible scenarios are emerging:

Assistance mode: AI systems serve as analysis and formulation aids without directly intervening in the dialogue. Mediators use them to prepare for conversations, for documentation, and as a reframing tool.

Co-mediator mode: AI acts as an additional conversation partner, taking on structuring tasks and providing empathetic interventions in real time, but remaining clearly recognizable as AI.

Autonomous mode: Complete execution of simple, standardized mediation procedures by AI, for example in high-volume ODR platforms. This scenario raises significant ethical and legal questions.

In the medium term, a hybrid model is most likely, in which AI takes over certain sub-functions while humans retain responsibility for the process. In this setting, LLMs could, for example, identify key emotional issues, offer suggestions for alternative formulations, or control culturally and contextually sensitive levels of empathy. The human mediator would evaluate and adapt these inputs and embed them in the overall framework of the process. 

Two developments are crucial for the sustainable and responsible use of empathetic AI in mediation: + Professionalization: Mediators must acquire skills in using AI tools, including the ability to leverage their strengths and identify risks.

Regulation: National and international professional associations should develop practice-oriented guidelines that set both technical and ethical standards. The EU AI Act provides a framework for this, but it still needs to be spelled out for the specific requirements of mediation.

Empathy in mediation is more than a communication technique—it is an attitude based on genuine understanding, impartiality, and the protection of a safe space for dialogue. LLMs can now simulate individual facets of this skill with astonishing conviction, providing mediators with valuable input – whether in analyzing conflict dynamics, reframing, or developing solution-oriented proposals.

However, empathy in AI always remains a projection: a linguistically generated pattern that conveys the impression of empathy without actual experience. This difference is not only a theoretical but also a practical anchor point for responsible use. Hybrid models in which humans and machines combine their respective strengths offer the greatest opportunities – provided they are supported by clear ethical guidelines, transparent processes, and trained specialists. The true value of empathetic AI will not be measured by whether it replaces humans, but by whether it enables them to use empathy more effectively, reflectively, and inclusively. In this sense, AI cannot be the “center” of mediation, but rather an amplifier for what remains at its core: a deeply human space for dialogue.

www.MichaelLardy.com

mail@MichaelLardy.com

LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/michael–lardy–019394213/

Bibliography

  1. Meinhart, S. (2015). Empathy in Mediation. AV-Akademikerverlag.

  2. Schlegel, K. et al. (2025): Large language models are proficient in solving and creating emotional intelligence tests. Communications Psychology, (2025)3:80, DOI:10.1038/s44271-025-00258-x.

  3. Menkel-Meadow, C. (2018): Mediation – Theory, Policy and Practice.

  4. Elyoseph, Z. et al. (2023): ChatGPT outperforms humans in emotional awareness evaluations. Frontiers in Psychology.

  5. Cuadra, C. et al. (2024): The Illusion of Empathy? Notes on Displays of Emotion in Human-Computer Interaction.

  6. Altmann, Empathy. https://www.socialnet.de/lexikon/Empathie (Retrieved on: 14.8.2025).

  7. Boeger, A., & Lüdmann, M. (2022). Empathy. In Psychology for Health Sciences. Springer.

  8. Davis, M. H. (1994): Empathy – A social psychological approach.

  9. Singer, T., & Klimecki, O. M. (2014): Empathy and compassion.

  10. Moore, C. W. (2014): The Mediation Process.

  11. Menkel-Meadow, C. (2018): Mediation – Theory, Policy and Practice.

  12. Sharma, A. et al. (2020): A computational approach to understanding empathy expressed in text-based mental health support.

  13. Cuadra, C. et al. (2024): The Illusion of Empathy? Notes on Displays of Emotion in Human-Computer Interaction. 14 Lane, R. D. et al. (1990): The Levels of Emotional Awareness Scale: A cognitive-developmental measure of emotion.

  14. Elyoseph, Z. et al. (2023): ChatGPT outperforms humans in emotional awareness evaluations. Frontiers in Psychology.

  15. Huang, J. et al. (2024): WHO is ChatGPT? Benchmarking LLMs psychological portrayal using Psychobench. 17 Elyoseph, Z. et al. (2023): ChatGPT outperforms humans in emotional awareness evaluations. Frontiers in Psychology.

  16. Li, J., Herderich, K., & Goldenberg, A. (2024): Cognitive Reappraisal with AI Assistance. Harvard University & University of Graz Working Paper.

  17. Cuadra, C. et al. (2024): The Illusion of Empathy? Notes on Displays of Emotion in Human-Computer Interaction. 20 Schlegel, K. et al. (2025): Large language models are proficient in solving and creating emotional intelligence tests. Communications Psychology, (2025)3:80, DOI:10.1038/s44271-025-00258-x.

  18. Huang, J. et al. (2024): WHO is ChatGPT? Benchmarking LLMs psychological portrayal using Psychobench.

  19. Juquelier, A. et al. (2025): Empathic chatbots: a double-edged sword in customer experiences.

  20. Chen et al. (2026): AI as a deliberative partner fosters intercultural empathy for Americans but fails for Latin American participants.  

  21. Mei et al. (2024): A Turing test of whether AI chatbots are behaviorally similar to humans.

  22. Westermann et al. (2024): Robots in the middle: evaluating LLMs in dispute resolution.

  23. Buolamwini, J. & Gebru, T. (2018): Gender Shades: Intersectional Accuracy Disparities in Commercial Gender Classification.


Michael Lardy: As a mediator in Salzburg, I offer professional mediation, dispute resolution and conflict resolution,
specializing in family mediation, divorce mediation and business mediation.

The Challenge of Power, Corruption, and Compassion: A Path to Ethical Action

By John Ford

Power has always been a double-edged sword. It can be a force for good, enabling leaders to build, innovate, and uplift. Yet, history is rife with examples of how power—when unchecked—can lead to corruption, harm, and disregard for the well-being of others. From corporate leaders dismissing ethical concerns to governments exploiting their citizens, the challenge of addressing power imbalances is one of humanity's most enduring struggles.

In this post, we’ll explore the tension between holding those in power accountable and maintaining compassion for their humanity. How can we critique harmful actions without falling into judgment? How do we resist corruption without perpetuating cycles of anger and division? And how do we act ethically in the face of systemic power imbalances?

The Corrupting Influence of Power

Philosophers and psychologists alike have long observed that power has a tendency to corrupt. Lord Acton famously said, "Power tends to corrupt, and absolute power corrupts absolutely." Modern research supports this: studies show that power can diminish empathy, amplify self-interest, and lead to unethical behavior.

Examples abound:

  • Corporate Exploitation: A CEO who prioritizes profits over environmental sustainability or worker welfare may justify their actions as "necessary for growth," ignoring the broader harm caused.

  • Government Overreach: Leaders who consolidate power often dismiss dissenting voices, eroding democratic institutions in the process.

  • Personal Arrogance: Public figures who use their platforms to demean or belittle others can create a culture of division and disrespect.

These behaviors are not new, but they remain deeply troubling. They highlight the need for accountability—but accountability that is rooted in discernment rather than blind judgment.

Judgment vs. Discernment

When confronted with harmful actions by those in power, it’s easy to fall into judgment. Judgment often comes from a place of anger or moral superiority, labeling individuals as "bad" or "evil." While this may feel justified in the moment, it often leads to further polarization and shuts down opportunities for constructive change.

Discernment offers an alternative approach. Rather than condemning people outright, discernment focuses on understanding their actions and addressing the harm caused. It allows us to critique behavior without dehumanizing the person behind it.

For example:

  • A government leader who undermines democratic norms can be held accountable through advocacy and reform without resorting to personal vilification.

  • A corporate executive whose decisions harm workers can be challenged through boycotts or public pressure while still recognizing their potential for growth and change.

Discernment requires clarity and courage. It asks us to separate the person from the problem—to see harmful actions for what they are while maintaining compassion for the individual.

Compassion Without Enabling

Compassion is often misunderstood as passivity or weakness. In reality, true compassion is both fierce and wise. It involves caring deeply about others while being willing to confront harm when necessary.

The Buddhist teacher Pema Chödrön warns against "idiot compassion"—acts of kindness that enable harmful behavior rather than addressing it. For example:

  • Ignoring a friend’s destructive habits to avoid conflict may feel compassionate in the moment but ultimately perpetuates their suffering.

  • Allowing powerful figures or institutions to act without accountability out of fear or resignation only reinforces systemic harm.

True compassion balances acceptance with action. It acknowledges the humanity of those causing harm while refusing to condone their behavior. This approach is not easy—it requires us to confront discomfort and act with integrity—but it is essential for meaningful change.

The Role of Accountability

Accountability is a cornerstone of justice. Holding those in power accountable ensures that their actions align with ethical principles and serve the greater good. However, accountability must be pursued thoughtfully:

  • Focus on Systems: Many harmful actions stem not just from individual choices but from systemic issues (e.g., economic inequality, lack of oversight). Addressing these root causes is often more effective than targeting individuals alone.

  • Constructive Goals: Accountability should aim not just to punish but to create opportunities for growth and reform. For example, a boycott can push a company toward more ethical practices rather than simply seeking its downfall.

  • Avoid Dehumanization: Even when holding someone accountable, it’s important to respect their dignity as a human being. This prevents accountability efforts from devolving into cycles of blame and retaliation.

Navigating Power Imbalances

Power imbalances can make it feel like there’s little we can do to challenge corruption or harm. Yet history shows that collective action—rooted in clarity and compassion—can create meaningful change:

  1. Advocate for Transparency: Support policies and practices that promote accountability in governments, corporations, and institutions.

  2. Empower Communities: Build solidarity by educating others about their rights and fostering collective resistance against injustice.

  3. Engage Constructively: Use dialogue and advocacy to raise awareness about harmful behaviors while offering solutions.

  4. Accept Limitations: Recognize that systemic change takes time but commit to acting where you can make an impact.

A Call to Action

The challenge of addressing power imbalances requires us to walk a fine line between resistance and compassion. It asks us to hold those in power accountable while remembering their humanity; to critique harmful systems without losing sight of our shared connection as human beings.

This path is not easy—it requires discernment, courage, and humility—but it is essential if we are to create a more just world. By separating people from problems, balancing acceptance with action, and grounding our efforts in compassion, we can resist corruption without perpetuating cycles of harm.

As Thich Nhat Hanh reminds us:
"Compassion is not a relationship between the healer and the wounded. It’s a relationship between equals." Let this guide us as we navigate the complexities of power, corruption, and justice—with clarity in our minds and compassion in our hearts.

Elon Musk’s “Suicidal Empathy”: A Flawed Critique or a Necessary Warning?

By John Ford

Elon Musk has never shied away from bold and controversial claims. In a recent Joe Rogan Experience interview (#2281), he reignited the debate on empathy, calling it a “fundamental weakness of Western civilization.” His argument? That empathy is being weaponized—exploited for political gain, particularly by Democrats, to push policies that, he claims, threaten long-term societal stability.

Musk’s perspective is undeniably provocative, but does it hold up under scrutiny? Is empathy truly a liability, or is Musk engaging in his own brand of emotional manipulation?

1. Musk’s “Weaponization of Empathy” Argument: Wrong and Misleading

Musk claims that undocumented immigrants are being strategically relocated to swing states to secure political dominance, using California as an example.

However, undocumented immigrants cannot vote in California or any other U.S. state. Federal law prohibits noncitizens from voting in federal elections, and voter registration in California requires proof of identity. While some local jurisdictions have explored noncitizen voting in municipal elections, these cases are rare and have no impact on state or federal results.

Musk’s claim is factually incorrect and contradicts established election safeguards. Ironically, his warning about emotional manipulation relies on an emotional, factually unsupported argument.

2. Where Musk’s Argument Fails: The Nature of Empathy Itself

Musk’s critique rests on an implicit misunderstanding of what empathy actually is. Modern psychological research, particularly from Daniel Goleman and Paul Ekman, defines empathy as a multi-faceted ability that includes emotional connection, cognitive understanding, and compassionate action. These distinctions lead to three distinct forms of empathy, each with different implications:

  • Emotional EmpathyFeeling another’s emotions as if they were your own, which can lead to distress or bias. (e.g., A doctor overwhelmed by a patient’s suffering might struggle to remain objective.)

  • Cognitive EmpathyUnderstanding another’s perspective without becoming emotionally overwhelmed, essential for negotiation and leadership. (e.g., A skilled negotiator who recognizes their opponent’s fears and concerns, allowing for a more effective resolution.)

  • Compassionate EmpathyActing on understanding in a measured way, allowing for thoughtful, ethical responses rather than impulsive reactions. (e.g., A leader addressing social issues without making impulsive or unsustainable promises.)

By collapsing empathy into a single, unregulated force, Musk misrepresents its complexity and value. Musk lets himself off the hook—rejecting its role in ethical leadership while still benefiting from it. After all, his success in business and public influence relies heavily on cognitive empathy—his ability to understand and tap into human aspirations, fears, and desires. He is not indifferent to what moves people; he simply applies empathy in a way that serves his goals.

3. The Real Issue: Empathy Is Not the Problem—Manipulation Is

Musk concedes that “empathy is good, but you need to think it through,” yet he still frames it as a fatal weakness of Western civilization. This contradiction reveals a deeper flaw in his argument: the problem isn’t empathy itself, but how it is applied. His claim that empathy is a “bug” being exploited is misleading—because any human trait, including logic, loyalty, or even skepticism, can be exploited. The real issue isn’t that empathy exists, but whether people are equipped to apply it discerningly.

Scholars in negotiation and conflict resolution have long studied empathy’s role in decision-making. Robert Mnookin, Scott Peppet, and Andrew Tulumello, in their work on negotiation strategy, emphasize that empathy does not mean agreement, nor does it make one weak. Instead, it is a mode of understanding—allowing a negotiator or leader to accurately grasp another’s position while asserting their own strategic interests.

A more refined critique would distinguish between:

Ethical empathy—Balancing compassion with rational decision-making.
Exploitative empathy—Using emotional appeals to pressure decisions without considering long-term consequences.

If Musk truly wanted to address the issue, he wouldn’t call empathy suicidal—he would advocate for discernment in how empathy is applied. Instead of discarding it as a weakness, the solution is to cultivate wise empathy—one that recognizes emotional appeals while still prioritizing cognitive and compassionate empathy.

Framing empathy as a “bug” in Western civilization misrepresents what it actually is: a feature, not a flaw. Evolutionary psychology suggests that empathy is an adaptive strength—it enables cooperation, moral reasoning, and social cohesion. The question isn’t whether empathy exists, but whether we use it as a blunt instrument or as a refined tool. Musk himself benefits from strategic empathy, making his critique ring hollow.

History demonstrates that empathy, when balanced with strategy, strengthens rather than weakens societies. The post-World War II Marshall Plan is a prime example: it was not driven by blind compassion but by a pragmatic recognition that rebuilding war-torn Europe would create stability, prevent further conflict, and serve long-term economic and political interests. This is empathy applied wisely—integrating emotional, cognitive, and compassionate elements to produce sustainable outcomes.

4. Musk’s Own Use of Empathy: A Double Standard?

Musk’s argument becomes even more contradictory when we consider how much he personally relies on empathy to shape his public persona and business ventures.

  • SpaceX and Tesla are built on grand human narratives—the survival of the species, the urgency of climate action, and the dream of a multi-planetary future.

  • He frames AI as an existential threat—a message that plays on both fear and hope, ensuring public engagement.

  • His public persona thrives on connection and controversy—Musk understands how to emotionally engage people, whether through humor, provocative statements, or appeals to innovation.

For someone so critical of emotional influence, Musk is exceptionally good at using it when it suits his objectives. Musk doesn’t reject empathy—he wields it strategically.

5. A More Balanced Approach: The Case for “Discerning Empathy”

Rather than accepting Musk’s suicidal empathy framing, a more constructive question is:

How do we use empathy wisely?

Empathy should inform, not override, critical thinking. Ethical decision-making requires all three forms of empathy: emotional, cognitive, and compassionate.
Emotional persuasion should be recognized, not demonized. Emotional appeals are not inherently bad—they only become dangerous when they are used without integrity.
Empathy isn’t the enemy of civilization—apathy is. If Musk fears the collapse of Western civilization, the real danger isn’t too much empathy—it’s too little concern for others altogether.

Final Thoughts: Is Musk’s Critique Valid?

Musk isn’t entirely wrong to warn against the manipulation of empathy—but his framing is misleading. Empathy is not a weakness that needs to be suppressed, but a capacity that must be developed with discernment. His own words—“empathy is good, but you need to think it through”—support this idea more than he admits. The real challenge isn’t to reject empathy but to refine how we wield it.

This recording was generated by Notebook LM based on the article I wrote in March 2025:

When Empathy is Rejected: Staying Open Without Losing Yourself

By John Ford

Reaching out to a loved one in times of political and emotional division is an act of vulnerability. It takes courage to invite someone into a space of mutual understanding, especially when that invitation is met with resistance—or worse, dismissal.

What do you do when you extend a hand in empathy, only to have it brushed aside? How do you stay open without feeling crushed? How do you care for yourself while holding onto hope for connection?

The Pain of Being Rebuffed

When you reach out with sincerity, hoping to be heard, and instead receive a response that dismisses your feelings or minimizes your concerns, it can feel like a gut punch. You weren’t looking for a debate. You weren’t asking for agreement. You were asking to be seen. And instead, you were told to "chill."

Responses like these often reveal a fundamental disconnect:

  • You sought emotional connection; they responded with logic or indifference.

  • You wanted acknowledgment of your distress; they reassured you that everything is fine.

  • You were asking for empathy; they heard it as an argument.

This gap in perception is frustrating, and it can feel deeply lonely—especially when it comes from someone you love.

Why Might They Respond This Way?

When someone resists engaging empathetically, it’s often not because they don’t care, but because they feel unequipped, uninterested, or even threatened. Consider these possibilities:

  • They see emotions as irrational. Some people, consciously or unconsciously, equate emotional distress with weakness or overreaction. Instead of sitting with discomfort, they push it away.

  • They fear conflict. A deep conversation may feel too risky or too exhausting, especially if they think it could lead to more division.

  • They believe that acknowledging your pain means they have to change their own views. Rather than listening as an act of care, they assume you are trying to persuade them, and they put up defenses.

  • They genuinely don’t feel the same way and don’t understand why it affects you so deeply. And instead of trying to understand, they dismiss.

None of these are excuses, but understanding them can help soften the sting.

What You Can Do Instead of Giving Up

So where do you go from here? How do you stay open when your invitation to empathy is rejected?

1. Acknowledge the Disconnect

If you sense that they are misunderstanding your intent, you can gently name the gap:

"I hear that you don’t feel the same way I do, and that’s okay. But I wasn’t looking for a debate. I was hoping for empathy—not about policies, but about what this moment means to me and how it’s affecting me personally. That’s what I need from you and why I suggested an empathy circle."

This clarifies that you’re not trying to argue— you’re trying to connect.

2. Name Your Emotional Need Directly

Some people won’t intuit what you’re asking for, so say it clearly:

"When I share my fears and grief, I need to feel that you care about my experience—not that you agree with me, but that you care that I’m struggling."

This removes any question about your agenda. You’re not asking for validation of your political views; you’re asking for relational care.

3. Decide Whether to Keep Engaging or Step Back

If their response remains dismissive or defensive, it may not be the right time for this conversation. You can signal your boundaries while keeping the door open:

"I love you, but I don’t think we’re in the same place right now. Maybe we can just focus on what connects us today."

This protects your energy without completely shutting them out.

Taking Care of Yourself When Connection Fails

When a loved one doesn’t meet you in the space of empathy, it’s painful. But your well-being doesn’t have to depend on their ability to hold space for you. Here’s how to take care of yourself:

1. Seek Empathy Elsewhere

Not everyone is capable of offering the emotional support we long for, but that doesn’t mean you have to go without it. Who in your life can hold space for you? A friend, a partner, a therapist, a community?

2. Set a Personal Boundary

You don’t have to engage in conversations that leave you feeling dismissed or drained. Protect your energy by recognizing when to step away.

"I love you, but I need to step away from this conversation for now. It hurts to feel dismissed when I’m sharing something deeply personal."

3. Stay Open Without Staying Vulnerable to Harm

Holding onto empathy doesn’t mean allowing yourself to be repeatedly hurt. You can continue to care about your loved one without expecting them to meet your emotional needs.

If they aren’t willing to meet you in understanding, consider shifting your focus:

  • Can you find a different way to connect that isn’t emotionally charged?

  • Can you accept that they might not have the capacity for deep emotional exchange?

  • Can you practice radical acceptance while maintaining self-protection?

An Invitation to Keep Choosing Empathy

Empathy is an act of courage. It’s risky because it asks us to open our hearts without a guarantee that we will be met in kind. Sometimes, we will be met with love and understanding. Other times, we won’t.

But staying open—to connection, to curiosity, to love—is always worth it. Not because the other person will always reciprocate, but because choosing empathy makes you more whole.

So if you’ve reached out and been met with rejection, hold steady. Breathe. Find the care you need elsewhere. And when the time is right, keep your heart open to the possibility of understanding—if not today, then maybe tomorrow.

The Strength of Compassionate Boundaries

By John Ford

Many people struggle with setting boundaries. We want to be understanding, we fear coming across as rude, and so we allow others to overstep, often at our own expense. This is especially true for those who lean toward avoiding or accommodating conflict styles, as described in the Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument. Yet, boundaries are not about shutting others out or being unkind—they are about self-respect, clarity, and sustainability in our relationships.

Thich Nhat Hanh’s words remind us that true compassion is not passive or weak. It is a powerful force that resists harm without resorting to violence or blame. He says:

“If you think that compassionate people do not resist and challenge injustice, you are wrong. They are warriors, heroes, and heroines who have gained many victories… When we are armed with compassion and understanding, we fight not against other people, but against the tendency to invade, to dominate, and to exploit.”

This perspective shifts how we approach boundaries. Setting limits is not an act of aggression—it is an act of self-compassion and clarity. When we establish boundaries with understanding, we are not punishing others; we are honoring our needs while also maintaining respect for them.

How to Set Boundaries Without Being Abrasive

  1. Anchor in Self-Compassion – Recognize that your needs are valid. A boundary is not a rejection of another person; it is a statement of self-care.

  2. Communicate Clearly and Calmly – Use "I" statements to express your limits. Instead of saying, “You always take advantage of me,” try, “I need to protect my time, so I won’t be able to help with this.”

  3. Hold Firm with Kindness – Being compassionate does not mean being a pushover. As Thich Nhat Hanh teaches, we can resist domination without anger. If someone pushes back, repeat your boundary calmly without justifying or debating.

  4. Recognize That Discomfort is Okay – If you’re used to accommodating others, setting boundaries might feel uncomfortable at first. That doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it means you’re growing.

  5. Detach from the Reaction of Others – You are not responsible for how others respond to your boundary. If someone reacts negatively, it does not mean you were unkind; it means they are adjusting to your new clarity.

True compassion is not about allowing others to drain us; it is about showing up fully for ourselves so that we can engage with the world from a place of strength. As we learn to set boundaries with clarity and kindness, we embody the wisdom of Thich Nhat Hanh—not fighting against others, but standing firm against patterns of exploitation and depletion.

Awakening Each Other Through Love

By John Kinyon,

I have been reflecting deeply and painfully on the violence and polarization we are experiencing in the world. How it seems to be increasing on all levels, from the macro to the micro of our lives.

The scale of suffering we witness on our screens feels incomprehensible and utterly heartbreaking. Yet this violence is not new or uncommon — it is ubiquitous throughout human history; and with current technologies now at our fingertips we experience it in such intimate and vivid ways.

GETTING TO THE HEART OF VIOLENCE

At the core of violence, I see the power-over paradigm of domination systems creating roles of oppressor and oppressed (and there is often disagreement about who is in which role). I see this system fostering the experience of injustice, inequality, and cycles of violent actions and reactions. I see this in how we relate to other animals and to the natural world. And I see that all of us can at times find ourselves in the role of oppressor, as well as oppressed — even in how we relate to ourselves! 

This power-over system is part of our human story, like a software operating system that runs in human beings. When this system is activated, it shuts off empathic connection, care, and cooperation. We then can dehumanize and do terrible things to each other. We are seeing so visibly the price that everyone pays when needs are met at the expense of others.

A MORE WONDERFUL WAY

There is a much more wonderful game for us humans to play. It is the game of using our power to care equally for the needs and wellbeing of others as we do for ourselves, even when it is most difficult to do. This may even sound idealistic or impossible. But it may be our way out of the growing hell in which we find ourselves. 

So, how do we do this? How do we update our human operating system?

  • I start by empathically feeling the depths of my own pain as I witness the suffering of power-over, and connect to the need to be safe and loved.

  • Then, expanding my empathy, can I feel the human being who is just like me, and is caught up in that system?

  • From this place, can I act to support the caring for everyone's needs and wellbeing?

In this way we can awaken each other through love. Deep in our hearts we know what brings peace, joy, and working together for life to flourish.

John Kinyon has devoted his life and career to furthering human connection and cooperation around the world through empathic communication. John is co-creator of the Mediate Your Life (MYL) training program and company, based in the work of Nonviolent Communication/NVC (cnvc.org). 

Experience the Healing Hurt & Divides in the Mediate Your Life App. This will support the exploration of unresolved emotional pain, being with the "actor" and "receiver" of pain, creating a space of healing and connection. To do so, download my free Mediate Your Life App, tap "Map Room," and tap the icon "Healing Hurt & Divides."

Six Ways to Deal With Someone Who Wronged You

Here's what we have learned from 25 years of research about forgiveness—and its alternatives.

BY EVERETT L. WORTHINGTON JR.

MAY 15, 2023

If you had experienced a serious hurt or off ense 25 years ago and you wanted to forgive,you generally would look to simple willpower or perhaps religion for the strength to doso. Science had little to offer. Back in 1998, Michael McCullough and his colleagues found 58 good studies about the nature of forgiveness. As for interventions, only a handful of studies—and a meager handful at that—had been published. And most of them were demonstration experiments with very few participants.

In early 1998, research into forgiveness dramatically accelerated. In the 25 years since then, thousands of studies have been done. Recently, the new book I co-edited with Nathaniel G. Wade, Handbook of Forgiveness, 2nd edition, includes over 30 qualitative review chapters. Each chapter described multiple studies on such things as how forgiveness is related to mental health symptoms, addictions, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), as well as to well-being and flourishing. Other reviews of research described how forgiveness can benefit relationships with loved ones, work colleagues, friends, and societies. Still other research detailed how it can lead to lower cortisol (a primary stress hormone) and higher oxytocin (the so-called bonding peptide) soon after experiencing it. They showed how heart rate variability, a measure of ability to self-soothe, increased. Some found better overall physical health if forgiving is practiced often.

So, in that brief 25 years, we have found out much about forgiveness—and how to help people who want to forgive to do so more efficiently and effectively. We also know that forgiveness alone does not have to do all of the work in dealing with injustices. People can seek justice, relinquish the matter to a higher power, tolerate the injustice, forbear, or accept and move on with their lives. They can also lower their emotional arousal through practicing mindfulness. But for those who choose to pursue it, forgiveness is very beneficial. Here are six new findings that can help you reduce your interpersonal stress, depression, and anxiety, while increasing your flourishing and hope.

1. Think about forgiveness like a scientist

In recent years, scientists have found three major ways to help people forgive. First, we can ponder how forgiving helps the forgiver. Second, we can understand the role of perceived injustices to help us to deal with the injustices life throws at us. Third, we can use many ways of dealing with injustices, forgiveness being only one.

By thinking about the benefits to themselves, people get a leg up on forgiving. Merely dwelling on the benefits for about 10 minutes can motivate forgiveness. We actually found that from our randomized controlled trials studying the REACH Forgiveness intervention. We had people spend comparable time to the time spent in forgiveness groups familiarizing themselves with the benefits of forgiving to the forgiver. Whether they contemplated benefits to themselves for eight hours, six hours, five hours, two hours, one hour, or just 10 minutes, they had about an equal amount of forgiving—and it was substantial, though not as much as the active interventions. Funny how science sometimes works: Even our “placebo control group” consistently helped people forgive.

The essence of science is to keep an open mind to new and often unexpected possibilities. Then, we test them out and see which ones work.

2. Remember that we have options

By recognizing that we have options to handle injustices other than forgiving, we take pressure off of forgiving.

We all “keep score” after we’ve been hurt. The injustice gap is an ongoing subjective tally of how much perceived injustice is attached to each hurt or offense. The injustice gap was proposed in 2003, but a good measure did not exist until 2015. Theory (and experience) told us that our sense of injustice increased if people refused to acknowledge that they had hurt us or kept piling on hurts. However, our sense of injustice was usually reduced when offenders apologized, made amends, and sincerely asked for forgiveness. The larger the perceived injustice gap, the more difficult it is to deal with. In fact, sometimes the injustice gap seems so large it seems like a canyon that feels impossible to leap rather than a gap we can step across with forgiveness.

By realizing that forgiveness does not have to do all of the heavy lifting needed to deal with large injustice gaps, people’s flexibility is increased. We can mix many actions to reduce their sense of injustice to where it is manageable by forgiving. Here are some options.

Actively wait. We might use active waiting. Most forgiveness happens quickly without much effort. McCullough and his colleagues invited people whose hurts were raw to rate their forgiveness daily for 18 days. On the average, most forgave, accepted, or just forgot within 72 hours. Actively waiting worked well. Except when it didn’t. McCullough and his colleagues plotted individual responses. Some instantly forgave. Others quickly did so. Some eventually did so. Most people were quite resilient. But some seemed stuck in the same level of unforgiveness for weeks. Others just seethed and got worse as the weeks went on. The lesson: Forgiveness is very individual. We also know that even if we usually are quick to forgive, we aren’t always equally willing to let go of resentment.

Look for justice. One way to reduce a large perceived injustice gap is to see justice done. Sometimes that is as simple as seeing bullies get their just desserts—like the guy who ran me off the road on my bike one morning and got a ticket for speeding within one mile of his disrespectful, aggressive driving. I didn’t hold a grudge. He got what he deserved.

Stop striving. We can reduce our sense of injustice by actively turning the matter over to God, fate, or karma. When we stop striving, we can begin thriving.

Decide to put up with it. There are four levels of putting up with the injustice. First, we could just minimize it—no big deal. That little cognitive trick rarely fools anyone, least of all ourselves. So, that way of putting up with an injustice is not usually recommended.

Second, we could grit our teeth and tolerate it. That has costs that can twist our gut and increase our internal stresses even though it might ease external and interpersonal stresses.

Third, and better for relationships, we could forbear. Forbearance is putting up with the wrongdoing for the sake of the relationship or group harmony. This does not have to mean that we cave in and do turtle to keep from ruffling our partner’s, boss’s, or work colleagues’ feathers. But forbearance can actively embrace refusal to respond negatively so that we benefit our relationship.

Fourth, and better for our individual peace of mind, we could practice acceptance. We could accept that life is too short to hold on to bitterness. Then, when we feel a trigger to negatively react, we might practice mindfulness.

Of course, there are not-so-good ways that we do try to reduce unforgiveness. Condoning or justifying or excusing or forgetting what was done will not lead to healing, necessarily. And, of course, it doesn’t help to seethe in grudge-holding or seek vengeance either passively or actively. That’s why we need to think flexibly about our options, instead of fixating on forgiveness. That’s not the only way to deal with injustices. We can mix these legitimate coping strategies to shrink the injustice gap.

3. Get ready to try actively to forgive

Think about the most difficult thing you ever successfully forgave. By remembering that, you can prove to yourself that you can forgive—even the hard things. Then commit yourself to trying to forgive and to spend time forgiving.

Analyses of many studies show that time spent trying to forgive is the best predictor of successful forgiving. Remind yourself of the benefits to yourself of forgiving. They are many. Forgiving improves your relationship, mental health and flourishing, spirituality, and immediate physical health and long-term physical health, if you practice forgiveness over time. Decide whether you need to try low-effort approaches first or need a full-court press to forgive. If you opt for therapy—one of the full-court presses—it is good to do a six-hour or two-hour DIY forgiveness manual first to make your therapy time smoother.

4. Consider shortcuts

People seeking to forgive have an abundance of options. Here are some shorter-term versions.

Religions and philosophies have touted forgiveness for hundreds of years; your minister, rabbi, imam, or priest can lay out the path for you. Supportive communities that practice forgiveness have developed methods that are tried-and-true. The internet provides a dizzying array of choices, from Greater Good to Mayo Clinic to Focus on the Family to Psychology Today and far beyond. There are brief videos, podcasts, blogs, and helpful (uh, and a few unhelpful) reactions to posts. Many of the internet sources draw (unsystematically) from published protocols that have been vetted by randomized controlled trials. Some psychologists have websites that offer resources.

5. When needed, rely on evidence-based interventions

Evidence-based interventions are often longer-term fixes. In 2014, Nathaniel Wade and his colleagues analyzed 53 randomized controlled trials to promote forgiveness. The studies sampled around 2,300 participants. They found four major things:

  • Two programs each had been supported by about one-third of all studies (my REACH Forgiveness model summarized in the sidebar below and Robert Enright’s process model).

  • Both programs were equally effective per hour of treatment, and both were equal to all other programs combined.

  • The more one tried to forgive, the more forgiveness one experienced.

  • Forgiveness interventions not only helped people forgive, they also were associated with reduced depression and anxiety and increased hope.

These programs have been vetted worldwide and are available in psychoeducational groups, DIY workbooks, psychotherapy, couples therapy, and group therapy. A newer qualitative review of research since the 2014 meta-analysis, by Nathaniel Wade and Marilyn Tittler, sampled around 1,800 participants. Its findings supported the 2014 findings.

A huge study at six sites in five countries on four continents was recently led by Man Yee Ho from Chinese University in Hong Kong. It investigated the effectiveness of REACH Forgiveness using a two- to three-hour DIY workbook. The workbook was a response to the global mental health movement that seeks to make mental health treatments available to people who cannot afford the money or time to do psychotherapy.

Ho’s colleagues sampled almost 4,600 participants (more than doubling the samples of all previous randomized controlled trials added together). They found increases in forgiveness and flourishing and decreases in depression and anxiety. In addition, trait forgivingness (i.e., one’s general disposition to forgive) increased, suggesting that people became more confident that they could forgive future transgressions. The workbooks are available free of cost in English, Spanish, Mandarin Chinese, Ukrainian, and Indonesian—able to reach over two-thirds of the world’s population in their first language. The REACH Forgiveness steps have also been embedded within couples therapy and self-forgiveness treatments.

6. You can forgive even the hard-to-forgive hurts

Three particular types of hard-to-forgive hurts require special effort. These are people who hurt us often, huge hurts, and a combination of repeated huge hurts.

The frequent offender. Forgiving a romantic partner, work colleague with whom you must have frequent contact, or toxic family member is a challenge. These people create large injustice gaps that keep growing, especially if each instance is not dealt with quickly. Co-rumination between the two parties—in which both parties are marinating in how deeply wounded they are—or co-rumination involving a trusted and supportive third party who feeds our hate can keep the wound fresh. A well-meaning third party can, while being empathic and compassionate, keep us stirred up. How can repeated hurts be forgiven?

After several hurts or offenses, we tend to generalize from events to the person. We think, I can’t forgive her! But understanding how generalization happens gives us a clue to forgiving the hard-to-forgive. We pick a single hurt—usually one that might be symbolic of other hurts from our offender—and we forgive it. Then we pick another hurt. And another. Generalization can then work for us because we can get to the place where we think, I forgive her. So, Tip #6a is this: For repeat offenses, forgive one hurt at a time.

The big event. Sometimes it is the sheer magnitude of harm that makes it seem impossible to forgive. The injustice gap seems as large as jumping the Mississippi River. Some people, by willpower, can forgive such events, but for most of us who do not have that superpower, we must eat away at the size of the injustice gap by using those alternatives. Tip #6b is this: Use the alternatives to forgiveness.

Repeated big events. Of course, the hardest of all are big events that are repeated, like physical, sexual, or emotional abuses, repeated discriminatory acts, gaslighting, and bullying. Those often require forgiveness therapy after one has dealt with the trauma or PTSD of the harm. Enright’s process model has been adapted for long-term treatment, and is the most supported model for such treatment.

If you want to, you can forgive virtually anything. The REACH Forgiveness workbook won’t take away all unforgiveness, in the same way that a COVID vaccine won’t make us forever immune to the virus. But it is a great start. And, remember, you can deal with injustices in ways other than forgiving. While a lot of recent research has documented the relationship, mental health, spiritual health, and physical health benefits to the forgiver, recent research has shown that you can begin to reap those rewards in as little as two hours.

THE REACH FORGIVENESS METHOD

Think about the hardest thing you ever successfully forgave. Remind yourself that you CAN forgive.

Rehearse the benefits to yourself of forgiving, and know that forgiveness might help your relationship, if it is safe, prudent, and possible to reconcile.

Work through the five steps to REACH emotional forgiveness.
--R = Recall the hurt as objectively as you can.

--E = Empathize with the one who hurt you. Try, if possible, to see things from their viewpoint. If you can’t, use sympathy, compassion, or even love (particularly in romantic relationships) to replace the negative unforgiving emotions.

--A = Altruistic gift of forgiveness. No one deserves forgiveness. Forgiveness is your choice. If you choose to give it, it is an altruistic gift.

--C = Commit to the emotional forgiveness you experience.

--H = Hold on to forgiveness when you doubt that you’ve really forgiven.

Seek to make a decision to forgive, which is deciding not to pay the person back but to treat the person as a valuable and valued person. This is about your intention to treat the person differently.

Try to solidify your forgiveness by applying the REACH steps and making a decision to forgive in several other relationships that are not characterized by full forgiveness.

Everett L. Worthington Jr.

Everett L. Worthington, Jr., Ph.D., is Commonwealth Professor Emeritus at Virginia Commonwealth University and co-editor (with Nathaniel G. Wade) of Handbook of Forgiveness, 2nd ed. (2020, Routledge). He studies forgiveness, humility, and other character strengths and virtues within positive psychology.

© 2023 The Greater Good Science Center at the University of California, Berkeley

The Atlas of Emotions

In collaboration with the Dalai Lama, Drs. Paul and Eve Ekman created an online, interactive map of emotions to increase emotional awareness and compassion on a global front. 

The motivations behind this project are simple: we don't know what we don't know, and many of us don't know what we're feeling or why--we simply react! By expanding our understanding and use of greater emotional vocabularies, each of us will be better equipped to notice, learn from, and manage emotional triggers and responses.

The Atlas of Emotions is available for free to the public free as an online educational resource.